Blog entry for:

on-going experiment with self-sufficiency disappears. what i heard this morning is: that an addict without HOPE is doomed, to a life of despair. although that sounds like some sort of binary state of being, either one has HOPE or does not, i do think it is quite that simple. as i grow and get a bit more clean time, i see less and less in clack and white. oh sure, one either smokes or does not smoke, one uses or one is clean, those are mutually exclusive states. most everything else? well, most everything else, hangs in a balance between two extremes, such as HOPE and DESPAIR.
in my own personal case, i did not need any HOPE, when i came to the program, because i denied that there was any DESPAIR in my life. what i had was bucket loads of unmanageability, and the desire to learn how to exert my personal power over things and institutions, that i had no power over, at all. interesting how that worm has turned today. especially given that from time to time, i TRY and exert my personal power over things, situations and events that i have absolutely no power over, to start with. when i fail, as i mostly do in these situations, i feel despair, i lose hope and i start to think the grand experiment that recovery has been, has done nothing for me, and is not paying off. <BOOM> all of a sudden i get smacked, once again, in the face with STEP ONE!
round 2. so this is once again a split entry, and i am determined to get it complete before i go on to my next task this morning. yesterday was a very interesting day, my parents lost their furry companion Friday night, and my Dad was quite upset about it. he apologized to me, for breaking down on the phone, and i am told him, what i would have told anyone else: IT IS OK for a man to show his emotions, and he had nothing to be sorry for. i know that as i recover, those layers of what is and what is not culturally acceptable for a person of my gender, become less and less of an influence on how i live, but it certainly is a wake-up call, to see someone in the other 85% struggling to contain his feelings. he does not have the freedom i have earned, nor does he revel in the fact that feelings are just feelings, and it is in my best interest just to allow myself to feel them and move along. part of the lie of self-sufficiency, is that i have ENOUGH knowledge of myself, of addiction and of the recovery process and therefore no longer need the fellowship. i can join that other 85% and live quite happily, and because of the work i have done, despair need not be a part of my life. but of course, that negates the influence that my peers in recovery exert on my current state of well-being and it certainly is opening the door for a return to despair, because now i have the knowledge to recognize it and unfortunately counter the denial cycle that i built so tight and so well, back in those days of active addiction. so not only would i feel despair, i would know and be aware of what i was feeling and the cycle of using would certainly commence.
today? well today i have HOPE. i know that if i stay clean today, take care of my bidness, live a recovery program and do my bestest to be the sort of person i have always wanted to be, chances are good that internal pendulum would swing towards the HOPE side, or at the lest zero out at the balance point. it is a good day to feel a bit of HOPE and stay clean, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞