· having finally accepted that so many of my efforts to change have failed, ·
Posted: Thu, Sep 28, 2006 07:29:01 AM
i come to believe that there is a POWER greater than myself. and out of that process come the HOPE that yes, even i, can stop using, LOSE THE DESIRE TO USE, and find a new way to live.
so what is on my mind this fine autumnal morning? well the whole irony that i must feel despair in order to find hope. i can almost grasp this concept on an intellectual level, more concretely on an emotional level, and most certainly on a spiritual level based on my experience with recovery to date. this is one of those concepts that no matter how hard i try and wrap my mind around it, i just cannot figure it out. i have the ability to analyze everything to a brutal, bloody death and get a bit of intellectual relief when i have quantified and qualified an idea, so it can be neatlty packaged and stored away for future access. some of the principles of recovery, however, elude my most tenacious efforts. and this just happens to be one of them. why in the world did i need to become desperate in order to recover my lost HOPE? i am not a stupid person, nor am i some sort of masochist. so the fact that i had to feel desperate to take the steps out of the pain i was suffering is one that even i have trouble explaining and reconciling. so what have i learned to do with ideas such as these? just say "FUCK IT, IT IS WHAT IT IS!"
and the truth of the matter is that because i was desparate enough, i opened my mind to ideas that were alien to my conception of how things worked. that crack in the great wall of donno, allowed some irrational and unprovable ideas to slip in, and i discovered that sometimes it is better not to wonder and just accept -- after all there is plenty of evidence that this is working in my own life as well as others. i do however understand that a POWER GREATER THAN ME provides me the means to not have to use anything today, and that idea in and of itself is sufficient to give this addict a bit more HOPE than i had when i came to this path. and also a bit more HOPE that i can continue to do what i need to do to stay clean today!
-- nuff said --
-- see you tomorrow! --
-- well maybe not --
so what is on my mind this fine autumnal morning? well the whole irony that i must feel despair in order to find hope. i can almost grasp this concept on an intellectual level, more concretely on an emotional level, and most certainly on a spiritual level based on my experience with recovery to date. this is one of those concepts that no matter how hard i try and wrap my mind around it, i just cannot figure it out. i have the ability to analyze everything to a brutal, bloody death and get a bit of intellectual relief when i have quantified and qualified an idea, so it can be neatlty packaged and stored away for future access. some of the principles of recovery, however, elude my most tenacious efforts. and this just happens to be one of them. why in the world did i need to become desperate in order to recover my lost HOPE? i am not a stupid person, nor am i some sort of masochist. so the fact that i had to feel desperate to take the steps out of the pain i was suffering is one that even i have trouble explaining and reconciling. so what have i learned to do with ideas such as these? just say "FUCK IT, IT IS WHAT IT IS!"
and the truth of the matter is that because i was desparate enough, i opened my mind to ideas that were alien to my conception of how things worked. that crack in the great wall of donno, allowed some irrational and unprovable ideas to slip in, and i discovered that sometimes it is better not to wonder and just accept -- after all there is plenty of evidence that this is working in my own life as well as others. i do however understand that a POWER GREATER THAN ME provides me the means to not have to use anything today, and that idea in and of itself is sufficient to give this addict a bit more HOPE than i had when i came to this path. and also a bit more HOPE that i can continue to do what i need to do to stay clean today!
∞ DT ∞