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thinking this over this morning, i wonder when i first started feeling despair. i believe that using, at least on one level, was working for right up to the end -- i could still get high. what was not working for me was that the feelings that i was so desperately trying to fix, were becoming unfixable. and when i look back at the end of my using career from today‘s point of view, i can now see that despair had been creeping in for quite a while. and during those months after discovering that there was a way of life that did not include using, before i committed to the program were the worst. i used against my will over and over again, telling myself that this was just the way it had to be, that i would never be able to live life without using. my problem was timing and not using.
well today i do not want to feel despair ever again! the program, once i chose to commit myself to it allows me to trade HOPE for DESPAIR. that does not mean i do not feel sad from time to time, that would be silly. in fact i am coming into the period of my annual cycle when i get depressed due to seasonal changes in the length of the day. this used to be the time of year when my using increased to unsustainable amounts. but i have a replacement for using today! yes i may feel depressed, but i do not have to use! i have a program that gives me the ability to choose how i react to my feelings and allow those feelings to run their natural course and pass. do i still feel hopeless and full of despair? from time to time i am sure but that does not mean i have to remain there. the program and the steps have given the means to realize my potential and live larger than ever before!
∞ DT ∞