Blog entry for:

to alienation and isolation, is connection. for me, connecting was not easy, EVER. to this day, i often still feel alone in a crowd and fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. a case in point is my relationship with my current sponsor. i have not talked to him in person in months and i have been hiding my issues behind my weekly txts. when i felt like i needed to use when i got the melanoma diagnosis, did i call him? NOPE, i figured i had “enough” recovery to handle that desire on my own. all in all, i have been finding myself withdrawing from my friends and peers in recovery, except those i see on a weekly basis, in my home group.
what this is leading up to, is a decision whether or not i need or want to start working with a new sponsor. i know that i have been down this path before and each and every time i chose the easier and softer way, keep what i know has been working, instead of taking the risk of starting a new relationship. i am in a bit of an angst over this today, as i am feeling that the time has come to recommit to my program and decide what that may look like. i can continue with my current sponsor, BUT make an effort to open up to him and be transparent and ask him to guide me through another round of steps. he is not the one that has been “phoning in” it in, that is on me. the rub here is that i need to get honest and figure out how to step it up. moving to a new sponsor will force me to start all over in building the type of relationship i feel i need to have and precludes any hiding, as i will ask someone who sees me on a very regular basis. there are certainly more than enough pros and cons to consider and this decision has me locked on the horns of the dilemma of what do i really desire in my recovery today.
as i stop thinking and start listening with my heart and soul, i am fairly certain that i will come to the decision that will be best for me. i know how selfish that sounds, but i have been giving myself away and hiding for too long and it is starting to affect me. there is a part of my spiritual se;lf that needs to be scratched and before that gets out of hand, i NEED to resist my inertia of doing nothing and change the velocity of my recovery, both in speed and direction, just for today.

∞ DT ∞