Blog entry for:

the fellowship way was and is all about me being open, showing up and being present for those in my life, even for my peers with whom i may have an issue or two. that way has not always been my way, as i was one who believed he had to hide in plain sight and keep all sorts of stuff on the down-low. becoming freed from the lie that made who i was, allowed me to start becoming who i might be, had i realized that i was my biggest obstacle to being socially adept and comfortable being with others. as long as i decided i could only be anyone but myself, i could never really connect with anyone else, including my spouse, my friends, my sponsees and my peers. i know today that my FEAR of being found out, made me come off as cold, callous and aloof, when that was thing that i desired.
i could blame the fellowship for extending my life apart as one of the guiding principles is that of anonymity. i know, today, what is meant by that, but way back when i took it to feed the lie that i was not good enough to allow anyone to see who i really was, hence i had to role play my way through the first two decades of my recovery journey. it is a sad but true fact of life, and when i stumble across the remorse and yes shame of being that way for so long, i have to allow myself the freedom to be a bit less harsh with myself and give myself a break. i now believe i deserve more than hiding in the shadows and as a result, i no longer find myself on the outside looking in, most of the time.. in fact, i often find myself building connections with those who i would have never become close to two or three years ago.
moving into the here and now, i can look back with regret with what was and whine about what is not, because of that. OR i can look forward being confident that i may not have all the clues as to who i am, but i am worth knowing and someone with whom making a connection is a worthwhile endeavor. i will carry that thought forward throughout this day and be okay knowing that even stuff that looks like wasted time, is actually material on which to build my today, just for today.

∞ DT ∞