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i know that, with a Higher Power in my life, there is hope. it does happen. every now and again, i can use a seed from the daily reading, as-is, so when that happens i rejoice. the danger there, is that usually means that i agree so wholeheartedly, that this writing of my brain dump, could turn into a RAH-RAH-CISS-BOOM-BAH, cheerleader sort of exercise, where all my critical thinking skills go out the window, and i end-up spouting bumper stickers and slogans.
the fact is, that today i DO AGREE with the seed i chose. in fact, the whole reading struck me as spot on and if i attached an emotional value on such things, i would even say i really liked it. the question than remains, what is it that i heard that i feel so good about? this whole shift from despair to HOPE. as much as i want to cynically deny it, that shift was quite the event in my life and continues to be a strong part of my daily decision to stay clean, just for today. so there you have it, the whole cheerleader bit, now i can dig a bit deeper and move forward.
it is amazing how long i worked a FEAR based program. fear of relapse, fear of this and fear of that, kept me doing the stuff that kept me clean way back in those early days of recovery, for long enough that those behaviors and actions, became so engrained in me, i do not even think about doing them. actions such as, bracketing my day with simple prayers, reading the daily meditation, sitting quietly and listening for the will of a HIGHER POWER, inventorying my day before i lay my head on the pillow, and calling an addict each and every day. i started doing all of that, because i was afraid of relapse, i do it today, because i am habituated to doing it, and because i feel HOPEFUL, that if i do that stuff, today,. i will wake up with the desire to be clean and in recovery, again tomorrow.
so i really have not moved away from the cheerleader mode. i can tell you this, however, i am totally frustrated with the speed of stuff occurring in my life. i want this job to get rolling, instead of being put off once again. i want this interview to happen, while i am still in limbo with the job i am waiting to start. i want choices and i want all of this yesterday! instead i am stuck, fighting my tendency to jump and doing desktop support, waiting, waiting and still waiting and not very patiently. what i am not doing is asking the POWER that fuels my recovery for resolution, in fact i am doing my level best to step out of self-will and get the puck out of the way! frustration and hope is a tough pair to be exercising at the same time, they feel mutually exclusive, but i certainly know better than that.
so for me, today, in fact right here and right now, i feel that living my THIRD STEP decision, is the next right thing to do. where does that leave me, this foggy morning? well, i will move forward by posting this, then head out for rehab day IV, then take a shower and finish up the laptop i am working on getting up to date, and find within me the tools and the desire i need to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to do ITs gig. i can do that, because today my program is based on HOPE and grounded in the FAITH that it is the will of that POWER that i stay clean today. so let the good times roll!

∞ DT ∞