⊥ in active addiction, despair was my relentless companion and it colored my every waking moment ⊥
Posted: Mon, Sep 28, 2009 09:36:03 AM
as i come to rely more and more on a Higher Power for the management of my life, despair disappears.if you had asked me four thousand four hundred days ago if despair was my constant companion, i would have laughed and said of course not, i am only here to get my life straightened out, not because i am really part of this freak show. quite honestly, that is what i believed way back then, and it was only after i received the gift of HOPE, i came to realize what part despair played in my life. of course, this morning the last thing i want to write about is despair, so i have been doing all that i can to distract myself from this particular task. there really is no mystery to this behavior, i truly hate thinking about ever being desperate for anything, and part of the remnants of my denial structure is that belief. even to this day, it creeps me out to think about how scared and desperate i was and can be. in fact, i even have trouble typing the word desperate.
be that as it may, i am grateful this morning that i no longer NEED to live in such a state -- denial or desperate. i can live in a state of HOPE, and as the intellectual side of me has trouble accepting that there is anything to HOPE for, and that HOPE is just a spin on my delusional belief in unrealistic expectations. so i have to to look at my life then and now, to see if HOPE is delusional or not. after all the prat of me i call addiction. uses the brute force of my intellect against the spiritual part of me that has gone beyond what can rationally be proved or disproved. in that seemingly never-ending battle, it is my life that is taken hostage, from time to time. well this morning, i am breaking free from being a hostage. i have a life that i could have never hoped for four thousand or so days ago, and one that continues to be enriched by relationships that i was incapable of sustaining way back when. it that look back, that provide the HOPE i need to continue to do this gig on a daily basis. not that i expect to have the tectonic shifts that have occurred since i got clean, but i have HOPE that each day, as i apply the steps to living i will continue to progress towards being a better person and a better man. time to hit the showers and get moving, after all someone has got to pay the bills.
be that as it may, i am grateful this morning that i no longer NEED to live in such a state -- denial or desperate. i can live in a state of HOPE, and as the intellectual side of me has trouble accepting that there is anything to HOPE for, and that HOPE is just a spin on my delusional belief in unrealistic expectations. so i have to to look at my life then and now, to see if HOPE is delusional or not. after all the prat of me i call addiction. uses the brute force of my intellect against the spiritual part of me that has gone beyond what can rationally be proved or disproved. in that seemingly never-ending battle, it is my life that is taken hostage, from time to time. well this morning, i am breaking free from being a hostage. i have a life that i could have never hoped for four thousand or so days ago, and one that continues to be enriched by relationships that i was incapable of sustaining way back when. it that look back, that provide the HOPE i need to continue to do this gig on a daily basis. not that i expect to have the tectonic shifts that have occurred since i got clean, but i have HOPE that each day, as i apply the steps to living i will continue to progress towards being a better person and a better man. time to hit the showers and get moving, after all someone has got to pay the bills.
∞ DT ∞