Blog entry for:

of despair was the last thing i was ready to do when i fell face forward into the rooms, after severe ass-kicking by the 20th Judicial District of Colorado. no, the act of recognizing that despair would not come for many years. the fact that it took eighteen months before i finally had enough of my experiment in self-sufficiency is telling in and of itself. denial was my constant companion and rewriting my history to fit the stories i took for the “TRUTH,” was and everyday occurrence. FEAR ruled my recovery and HOPE was not something i dared to look for, as i had very little FAITH that even if i surrendered to the program, i was going to be able to stay clean.

Ben S,
CONGRATS on 365 days clean.
Keep coming back, my friend.

somewhere in my third set of steps, more than likely between STEPS ONE and TWO, i started to let go of the story about how i was not desperate when i arrived in the rooms. when my sponsor suggested that i was desperate as any newcomer, but my desperation was quieter, it upset all sorts of the fragile worldview and cascaded into the start of the process that is ongoing today. today i am quite certain i paid the price of admission and reserved my seat in the rooms. i am not about to let anything or anyone chase me out. i find it amusing when i hear my peers share about “building a case” against the fellowship, as i have an ironclad one, that i built years ago. IF i was not seeing the benefits of staying clean and living a program of recovery, i would walk away with little or no regret. when i see others walk away and stay clean, i know the Jedi mind trick they use to do so. i choose to live a program of recovery because it still feeds my need to be a better person than i was yesterday. the day may come where my selfish wants and needs are not being met by this program and i will CHOOSE a path, when it becomes apparent.
today, i am quite certain i was desperate way back when, even if it was desperately desiring to stay out of prison. today, the HOPE that kept me clean in those days between FEAR and FAITH, is still part of my life. just for today, i will continue to selfishly live a program, that continues to provide me the life i am coming to believe i deserve. grace and mercy were not part of the world i used in,. and discovering there is more to life than the dank and dirty life i once lived is quite a reward and one i can celebrate today.

∞ DT ∞