Blog entry for:

out of despair, was certainly a task i aspired to perform successfully in active addiction, even if i was in denial about how desperate i really was. if i could win the lottery, get that dream job, attract a life partner or find the means to use as much as i wanted to use, all the time, my life would be prefect. those patterns of thinking and behaving extended into my recovery. far longer than i might care to admit. it was not until i finally faced up to the fact that i was desperate for something different and needed a new way to find it, that i finally gained a smidgen of hope. across the course of my recovery journey that kernel of HOPE has grown into FAITH in the program that allows me the FREEDOM to live as i do today.
that might be the end of the story, however, this addict still attempts to control aspects of his life, manipulating events and situations to drive towards the outcomes i desire. as is evident by what i write, i am not one of those who sees his recovery through the “rose-coloured” glasses of positivity, doing his best to deny those nagging thoughts, attitudes and behaviors that are manifest in his life. there are still aspects of who i am that drive me to distraction on a daily basis. i may no longer be desperate, but i am far from “cured.” there may not seem to be a whole lot of HOPE in that realization, except in the fact of accepting i am an addict and need to take extraordinary measures to live as a productive member of society.
one year ago today, a friend accomplished, once again, one year clean. i would have liked to say that this was their second anniversary, but that is not to be. they decided in the thick of adversity that they needed to use once more and struggled to make it back to the rooms, once again. counting on someone else staying clean is, for me anyhow, living in a world of smoke and mirrors. the fact is, very few addicts stay clean for any length of time, regardless of their life “situations.” i do not lose hope when an addict relapses into active addiction or criminal behavior, as i understand those modes very well from my own experience. i never chose using over living in a house, but if it came to that, i am quite sure that i could tell myself that a night or two on the streets would not kill me, as long as i was high. i am grateful that just for today, my choice to stay clean and live a program of active recovery allows me the freedom to live in my own house, feed myself and find the means to be more than just another addict in recovery. the HOPE here, is that just for today, i can let go of what i think i want and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the opportunity to get what i need.

∞ DT ∞