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with self-sufficiency may have ended many days ago, but every now and again, i wonder IF it might be possible that i do not need to keep doing this gig. after all, i have a long stretch of abstinence, a career, a relationship, financial; stability, friends, family, all the trappings of a normal life, why should i continue to keep up this routine. the train of thought goes on and then i think about what i heard at the meeting last night. sure most of it was drivel that falls out of the mouths of newcomers about how good they are doing, or what YOU need to be doing so YOU can be as good, holy and humble as them. or even worse how “THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT.” yes, when i scoop off the bullsh!t and the posturing, what i hear is gratitude and HOPE, that at least, just for today, they too have found freedom from active addiction. my greatest wish is that they all would stop talking about it and actually start living it. behaving superstitiously, hoping that there is something beyond death because of the First Law of Thermodynamics, is not what i am about today. i can plainly state that when i say i am spiritual, i am not. when i say i am humble i am not, but when i say i am HOPEFUL, i generally am.
there are two facts of life that permeate my life. the first is that i am an addict. not some sort of addict. i do not suffer from an addictive personality. i am not powerless of addictions. anytime i start qualifying that cold hard fact, i am starting to move away, into that so-called “normal” life. that feeds the assertion i started off with, that after some time doing this gig, i can HOPE to be free of the very routine and structure that has brought me here and gives me HOPE on a daily basis. i want rewards and positive feedback all the time, and do NOT want to defer them until i shuffle off this mortal coil. i get that, when i live a program and not fall back on my favorite two lies -- i am only human and -- after all i am just an addict.
i did say two facts of life. the second, which i started alluding to was that it is the program of recovery that provides me the relief i need to live in the “normal” as if i was one of the other 85%. my peers can speak of being a member of the No Matter What club, and i am, but without some sort of valuable payoff, i would be unlikely to remain being so. IF my life did not get better, i would have been long gone. i would have returned to being a victim of addiction and stalking my ex, would have seemed to be a good idea, that led to many more brilliant notions. no the only place i get the HOPE and FAITH to continue doing this gig, is in the program i find loathsome from time to time, especially when the meetings are hijacked by the newest of the new, prattling on to prove how “well” they are becoming instead of sharing about what is really going on.
i am however getting way off track. yes this addict is clean today. yes i am clean because i decided after eighteen months of abstinence to actually allow myself to be guided by members who were here when i got here. yes i have HOPE today, because i finally tossed out my superstitions and accepted that not knowing and not having a belief structure was a far better place to be in, than where i was.
okay, just for today here is a bit of cynicism for those of you who believe in astrology, YOUR SUN SIGN IS PROBABLY WRONG! me? i am okay being a Pisces instead of an Aries, nothing has changed in my life since discovering that new “truth!”
what is, is and what is not, is as well, in my life and the world around me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞