Blog entry for:

when i am not working a program of active recovery, i slide ever deeper into misery. the attempts i make to control my life frequently meet with failure. case in point, i reached out to a friend and sponsee to offer support and was slapped with the litany of all i have ever done to not support him in his struggles, including him being angry for putting his woman into a very awkward situation. honestly i would like to say my motives for reaching out were purely altruistic, and perhaps they were. the sting of his reply, however, tells me that perhaps i did have an ulterior motive. i am so fVcking a pissed, more than one, i have started the letter ion my head, to send in response. each time i start to compose it, i STOP, because i see what it is, retaliation, plain and simple. you hurt me MOFO, so i am going to hurt you back and make it worse, so you will think twice about taking a swing at me, ever again.
what i will do instead, is allow myself to feel the anger and the hurt, and when the sting is gone, respond rationally and cordially, and end this particular phase of our relationship. this “tit for tat” sh!t has to stop and i can only end my participation in what has become for me, a very toxic friendship. as i am incapable of living up to his expectations, it is time to stop even trying. it will be at least another day, before i allow myself the freedom to let him know about the new status, too bad i cannot Facebook or text him, it would make this so much easier. what is bothering me the most, is that this certainly may be kicking a dawg when he down. i was about to qualify that last statement, but decided that it was better left, unadorned with a but, however or if only.
it is time, this chilly Saturday morning, to get rolling out towards my home group and side work. yes, i am sad that i have reached a place where i have to end another friendship, because we cannot be equal partners in a friendship. my life will be just a bit emptier, once again. the positive side of this, is that i will no longer be beholden to an addict with an insatiable need for favors. that, my friends is a good thing of a growing awareness of the will opf the POWER that fuels my recovery, today.

∞ DT ∞