Blog entry for:

decide to do something in ignorance when i know full well that i will not like the price i will have to pay.
ignorance is no longer bliss. that whole concept threw me for a loop way back at the beginning of my recovery and today it still comes and bites me in my a$$ sometimes. truthfully, i did not really believe that my actions were without consequence back in active addiction, i was just ignorant to the real consequences. somehow i could always justify and rationalize my actions away, and then whine about the consequences as they rained down around my head. i was not oblivious, just delusional! the delusion that my using, and the actions it took to find the ways and means, had no consequences except on me was a tough one to overcome. but today i am much better.
sure i act out still today, that is part of the human condition as well as part of suffering from the disease of addiction, but i have the tools in place to make a rational decision some days to act regardless of the consequences. as the reading says, i am no longer living in ignorant bliss. it is true, that i do not always make sound or rational decisions, it is also true that i do not fully realize the real consequences of my actions -- you know a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil and a hurricane slams into the gulf coast kind of stuff. that would be a very convenient excuse to hide behind, and one i may choose to use some day soon. no i cannot foresee all the possible consequences of my actions, i have yet to become omnipotent. BUT i can see most of the immediate consequences of my actions. if i steal from a store, i am disrespecting myself, as well as taking bread from out of the other patrons’ mouths. my tiny theft increases prices for everyone, and that increase affects everyone by making their money buy less. so there i can see some of the far reaching consequences. the disrespect part? well i have violated my moral code by stealing, and every time i knowingly and willfully violate that code, i am stealing a bit of self-esteem from myself, i am acting with disregard to who i see myself as, and another brick in the wall of isolation is erected, because of course, now i cannot tell anyone what i have done, what would they think!? so i have started down the path towards active addiction with just a simple theft.
this is of course just the tip of the iceberg kind of example, and i could go on and on about the various manifestations of acting-out in my life. i will wraop up this little missive with this single thought -- today i will decide to live according to my values, and see what the day brings!

∞ DT ∞