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is always a price to pay. yesterday i decided i was going to run, before i wrote my blog and as a result, the consequence for that decision was that i forgot about and hence, posted a very brief and far from comprehensive telling of what i felt and thought about. this morning after a trying night with a dawg in a panic attack, perhaps i will circle back around to take a peek at that again. first, however, in the here and now, what came bubbling up to the surface was something i am attempting to get a sponsee to really look at, and because i am working towards him accepting something, it means that i, too have a bit of territory to cover for myself.
the issue that he chooses not to see is that he likes the feeling of “getting away” with something and chooses to do so, even when he knows that the consequences will not be to his liking. i like “getting away” with something as well, especially when i do not feel good about myself. when i attempt to “get away” with a less than stellar behavior and am successful at doing so, i feel superior to everyone around me. all of a sudden i am a bright and shiny star and i get to walk with me head higher than all of those around me, because they are clueless about what it is i am doing. i cannot say that is the “truth” for my sponsee, but when i write him back it will be the experience i share with him.
this does go nicely with the theme i never finished developing yesterday ↳ doing the next right thing, because it brings me relief. some of the time a consequence is not a “bad” thing. when i choose to do the next correct thing, the relief i feel is a prize, rather than a price. that prize is certainly an incentive to choose “right” from “wrong” but even that may not be enough to counter the thrill of getting away with something. oh i could lay the blame at the foot of being an addict and that thrill-seeking is something i am “hard-wired” for, BUT, and yes it is certainly a huge one, i have enough knowledge to see the consequences and choose, thanks to the tenets of the program i choose to live. knowledge and wisdom are not the same thing, but they are certainly related. knowing what may happen is not the same as having the wisdom to decide that i am unwilling to accept the consequences. i get to CHOOSE today, because i am free from active addiction and have a bit of knowledge and yes wisdom about who i am and where i wish to go, just for today.

∞ DT ∞