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always a price to pay.
apparently a year ago, i was told something that seemed rather earth-shaking at that time. the ironic part of that, is today, i am totally clueless about what i was told, and more than a bit disturbed about how i wrote how spiritual i was for alluding to that information and not using it. there is a bit of evidence of growth for me, that behaviors of a year ago, are now a subject of embarrassment to me, dang it all.
this morning, as i walk away from that train wreck of a year ago, i have a bit more sensitivity to what is going on inside of me. as bad as i see that through the lens of 366 days, it could have been much worse, and i need to express a bit of gratitude for what it was, just a slip and not a fall from the grace of the program that is molding me into something that once upon a time, was inconceivable. that journey has brought me to a place where today, i may be able to figure out the consequences of my actions, i ALWAYS want to avoid those consequences and yet i may act in the insane belief that somehow i WILL be spared from paying any sort of price. there is still within me, a fantasy land of sorts that is open twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. that part speaks to the consequences of decisions and assures me that i will not have to suffer them at full force. something will come along to deflect the brunt of that storm. even so, if the worst case scenario does come to fruition, i can always trip back to my default excuse that i am only human and an addict to boot, so what the fVck did you expect? with that kind on minimization, victimization and entitlement in my arsenal it is a wonder i make any progress towards becoming a better person at all.
today? well right here and right now, i am about to pack this in, hop in the shower and roll on down to work. i have a few things to accomplish after work this evening, but all in all, just a excruciatingly normal kind of day for me, at least from this side of that equation. as the day progresses, more of course will eb revealed, and more than likely i will face a decision or two where i will have the chance to choose to pay a price and behave poorly or take a higher raod and work w=towards becoming the man i have always wanted to be. one will see what happens as this day progresses.

∞ DT ∞