ห before i got clean, i simply did not believe ห
Posted: Mon, Oct 10, 2011 06:59:28 AM
that there are consequences to my every action. that of course, is yet another symptom of how deep my denial ran as part of active addiction. when the truth threatened and the substances were not enough to keep the world at bay, there was always a quick trip into the blame game.the end result was damage control of my fragile ego and limiting having to take any responsibility for anything.
<WARNING> what follows may be construed as a eprsonal attack on another member, it is not meant to be. what it is for me, is my RAW unprocessed feelings, being written down dso i can dump them. yes it is opinion, yes it is nothing i would not say to their face in private, please rmember that trhis is a window into my heart and soul and what io write here is what i am feeling and part fo my processing those RAW feelings into the context of the whole. i neitehr apologize for what is written nor do i regret it, BUT i do need to warn you of what may be considered offensive and abusive to the reader 10/14/2011
</WARNING>
that behavior is one of those that i choose not to exercise most of the time today. in fact it was because i considered the consequences of my actions that i did not share at the hugest game-playing woman that has happened to walk into the rooms where i choose to recover. i was hoping that she had moved on to another victim, but alas, she still is here and so am i. i am also glad she did not try to touch me, although she made sure that she invaded my personal space to reinforce the fact that she was ignoring me. so it goes, i am on my FOURTH STEP and i am certain that she will make a nice entry in my resentment list. may be then i can grow up and let the rest of my crap about her go.
coming back to topic, i had no intentions of sharing last night, but when she made her grand entrance 20 minutes late, i instantly had the desire to say something and aim it directly at her. as i quietly sat there and listened to my heart, my head was suddenly still and i knew that anything that came out of my mouth would have been self-will and all mess, no message. not that i had all of that understanding in a split second, what i had was suddenly thee desire to shut-up and listen, and i am glad it was i=an inclination i chose to follow. my lack of action, kept me from having to make an amends to someone who makes my skin crawl just by knowing they walk this planet with me.i am okay this morning, letting go of being some sort of avenging angel, as i also have FAITH that there are consequences for every action or even lack of action, and it is not up to me to decide what those consequences SHOULD be. dang it anyhow, it is tough choosing a spiritual path over the path of self-will, even after some time clean.
as i walk through today, i will carry along with me, the thought that sometimes the consequences of inaction are more desirable that the consequences of an action. it is nice that i am moving from self-willed bullsh!t into the place of humility i NEED to start writing once again. i certainly feel for all of those who are not part of the couples that they want to be, but i also understand that IF I WANT TO BE A PART of a relationship. IT IS UP TO ME, to be honest, open and most importantly willing to change into a better person as per the direction i receive from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i no longer need take hostages or game someone into doing something they would rather not knew, if i was honest about what i was doing. my stuff this morning is to jump in the shower, and hit the road, to see how much i can get done before my head hits the pillow tonight. oh yeah, i also realize that there will be consequences for all i decide or choose not to decide to do today.
<WARNING> what follows may be construed as a eprsonal attack on another member, it is not meant to be. what it is for me, is my RAW unprocessed feelings, being written down dso i can dump them. yes it is opinion, yes it is nothing i would not say to their face in private, please rmember that trhis is a window into my heart and soul and what io write here is what i am feeling and part fo my processing those RAW feelings into the context of the whole. i neitehr apologize for what is written nor do i regret it, BUT i do need to warn you of what may be considered offensive and abusive to the reader 10/14/2011
</WARNING>
that behavior is one of those that i choose not to exercise most of the time today. in fact it was because i considered the consequences of my actions that i did not share at the hugest game-playing woman that has happened to walk into the rooms where i choose to recover. i was hoping that she had moved on to another victim, but alas, she still is here and so am i. i am also glad she did not try to touch me, although she made sure that she invaded my personal space to reinforce the fact that she was ignoring me. so it goes, i am on my FOURTH STEP and i am certain that she will make a nice entry in my resentment list. may be then i can grow up and let the rest of my crap about her go.
coming back to topic, i had no intentions of sharing last night, but when she made her grand entrance 20 minutes late, i instantly had the desire to say something and aim it directly at her. as i quietly sat there and listened to my heart, my head was suddenly still and i knew that anything that came out of my mouth would have been self-will and all mess, no message. not that i had all of that understanding in a split second, what i had was suddenly thee desire to shut-up and listen, and i am glad it was i=an inclination i chose to follow. my lack of action, kept me from having to make an amends to someone who makes my skin crawl just by knowing they walk this planet with me.i am okay this morning, letting go of being some sort of avenging angel, as i also have FAITH that there are consequences for every action or even lack of action, and it is not up to me to decide what those consequences SHOULD be. dang it anyhow, it is tough choosing a spiritual path over the path of self-will, even after some time clean.
as i walk through today, i will carry along with me, the thought that sometimes the consequences of inaction are more desirable that the consequences of an action. it is nice that i am moving from self-willed bullsh!t into the place of humility i NEED to start writing once again. i certainly feel for all of those who are not part of the couples that they want to be, but i also understand that IF I WANT TO BE A PART of a relationship. IT IS UP TO ME, to be honest, open and most importantly willing to change into a better person as per the direction i receive from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i no longer need take hostages or game someone into doing something they would rather not knew, if i was honest about what i was doing. my stuff this morning is to jump in the shower, and hit the road, to see how much i can get done before my head hits the pillow tonight. oh yeah, i also realize that there will be consequences for all i decide or choose not to decide to do today.
∞ DT ∞