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to pay the price, or am i really? yesterday afternoon i marched into the local municipal courthouse to pay a fine for speeding. it is not like i have a couple of hundred dollars just sitting around to donate to the city for enforcing their “revenue enhancement zones.” i was not thrilled about having to go through metal detector and leaving my cell phone behind to visit the counter, either. all in all, not my most desirable afternoon, by far and yet, as i find myself on that particular stretch of roadway, i notice i am still exceeding the artificially posted speed limit. it seems to me that i am willing to pay for the privilege of gaining two minutes on my way to here and there, when in reality i am not. although the reading speaks of acting on impulse, this behavior, at least for me, is not impulse. it is habitual and will take a bit on concerted effort to correct. on my scales of cost vs gain, is a few minutes really worth points against my driver's license and hundreds of dollars of fines?
as i sat in the meeting last night, listening to what was being shared, i once again, chose not to bring in my $0.02. every time i started to open my mouth,m i asked myself if what i was going to share a response or reaction to what i heard or was it truly what was on my heart. it was odd that the one thing i latched on to was the fact that someone admitted they shared because they “needed” the attention and acceptance of our peers. they shared because they enjoyed the reaction and when they did not get what they wanted, they got resentful. i certainly know why i grabbed that little bon mot, it is what i am looking for when i go into my “shock and awe” mode. i am not sharing what i feel, in that case, but what i think will bring me accolades and praise when the meeting is over. i want to impress and screw the consequences of keeping what is really going on with me, on the inside. that is a whole lot of bad behavior wrapped up in spiritual camouflage, and the true price to pay is not derision from my peers, but a lessening of my worth in my own eyes. i am worth more today than “playing to the crowd.” of course there was a whole lot more i could expound on about what was and was not shared last night, the price of dragging their stuff into my world, is one i am not willing to pay this morning.
today, as i prepare to enter the real world and get behind the wheel of my car, i can see that if i want to be truly equal with all those i share this world with, i need to get some direction from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can continue to run their words and deeds through the filter of my expectations and finds them lacking every single time, allowing myself to “feel a bit more than.” i can rationalize that behavior away by a quick little “at least i am not…” the prize may be a boost of esteem but i will pay the price in reduced self-worth. today i can be batter than that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞