Blog entry for:

when i know full well that i will like the price i will have to pay. quite seriously, i do not like making decisions responsibly. i want to live in the moment, make a decision, and blame everything and everyone else for whatever consequences that may arise. that however is no longer something i can do, thanks to the consequences of working steps and learning how to live by spiritual principles. yes, even the decision to stay clean and live in active recovery has consequences. those consequences cascade down to the very decisions i make after i get up and decide to allow a HIGHER POWER to fill that “GOD-shaped” hole that is part of me. yea, living in ignorance is something that i have to choose to do these days, as i have been altered as a consequence of living a program.
looking at FACE BOOK this morning one of my FB friends whined about getting sick on vacation. they even went so far as to suggest that they were entitled to good health on vacation. i get the whole trip, and i understand that my health, is one of the consequences of the decisions i make from moment to moment. i know that when i am on vacation, those things i do to reduce my powerlessness over my physical health are usually not part of of what i desire to do when i am on vacation, i want to stay out late, eat poorly and generally ignore those activities that help me stay in better health. getting sick is a consequence of making those decisions and acting upon them. just like being broke is a consequence of spending money on things i do not really need.
where am i going with this? i really do not know, this morning i seem to feel that if i wander all over the map, perhaps i can zero in on what i really think. i do know that weighing the consequences of my decisions was something that i lost in active addiction, i do know that same behavior still crops up from time to time in recovery. i also know that if i want to be able to live in the conscious here and now, and allow myself the freedom to act on impulse from time to time. what i want to learn, is how to be less critical of myself, when i do act on impulse, instead of considering the consequences. i what i want to learn is how to accept those consequences with a bit of grace. mostly what i want to learn today, is how to be a better man, automatically and with very little effort on my part. is any of that possible? well perhaps, but for right here and right now i think i will go set some boundaries get a bit of work done and come home and root for my home team. though the day be gloomy and gray, i can move forward with dispatch into the next task on my list.

∞ DT ∞