๐ a prize ๐
Posted: Tue, Oct 10, 2017 08:19:13 AM
and a price, for each and every action i take. others may look at the price as the only consequence, but in my world view, the prize is as much of a consequence as the price. been down that path before, so now that i have made it clear, at least what i think of the whole price-prize paradigm, i can move along.
this morning i woke up far too early, because of some things on my mind, that i just could not let go of, and return to a napping state. am i happy that i held on to the crap that invaded my sleep and jumping for joy that i kept myself tossing and turning for an hour, when i could have been sleeping? why yes i am, NOT! i am not sure what the prize was, and even now, i am not sure, except maybe, it gives me a justification to build a resentment. i can see it now: “because of you did yesterday, i could not get back to sleep, today!” yes i am still a sick pup, even after a few days clean. the HOPE? well i am not as sick as i used to be and more than that, i know i am feeling a bit off, for whatever reason. where i usually find balance and serenity i am finding a tilted playing field and angst. it feels as if the cynic inside is fighting for survival, and nothing i do is good enough for me, today.i am wrong, wrong , wrong and the prize, in some sick and twisted way is evidence that i am not getting any better. enough with the exclamation points, i am getting a bit over the top, with my punctuation.
anyhow, as good as things are in my life, and they are pretty good, i feel as if something is still missing. a SONOS sound system feels like it will make me whole, or maybe a quick trip to the tropics, anything but dealing with what i am feeling, namely the emptiness i feel now that the overarching FEAR of the past five years is gone. my new “normal” has yet to be established and although i am quite certain that it is coming down the road, i lack the patience to must sit and allow that process to take its course.
the action i am going to take, is to sit on my hands, tolerate what i am feeling and allow my program of active recovery to do its thing. i ahve stuff to do and even though pounding this out is a helpful exercise, i have work to do and i can be okay moving forward into my day.
this morning i woke up far too early, because of some things on my mind, that i just could not let go of, and return to a napping state. am i happy that i held on to the crap that invaded my sleep and jumping for joy that i kept myself tossing and turning for an hour, when i could have been sleeping? why yes i am, NOT! i am not sure what the prize was, and even now, i am not sure, except maybe, it gives me a justification to build a resentment. i can see it now: “because of you did yesterday, i could not get back to sleep, today!” yes i am still a sick pup, even after a few days clean. the HOPE? well i am not as sick as i used to be and more than that, i know i am feeling a bit off, for whatever reason. where i usually find balance and serenity i am finding a tilted playing field and angst. it feels as if the cynic inside is fighting for survival, and nothing i do is good enough for me, today.i am wrong, wrong , wrong and the prize, in some sick and twisted way is evidence that i am not getting any better. enough with the exclamation points, i am getting a bit over the top, with my punctuation.
anyhow, as good as things are in my life, and they are pretty good, i feel as if something is still missing. a SONOS sound system feels like it will make me whole, or maybe a quick trip to the tropics, anything but dealing with what i am feeling, namely the emptiness i feel now that the overarching FEAR of the past five years is gone. my new “normal” has yet to be established and although i am quite certain that it is coming down the road, i lack the patience to must sit and allow that process to take its course.
the action i am going to take, is to sit on my hands, tolerate what i am feeling and allow my program of active recovery to do its thing. i ahve stuff to do and even though pounding this out is a helpful exercise, i have work to do and i can be okay moving forward into my day.
∞ DT ∞