Blog entry for:

got clean, could preface all sorts of interesting topics, including the one that was at the center of the reading this morning, disregarding the fact that there were always consequences for all that i choose or do not choose to do. as i sat this morning, what bubbled up from the depths was the notion that i can still be impulsive and ignore all sorts of consequences, blithely going through my day unconcerned about “what may come.” where the fVck is the HOPE that after a minute clean, i can still behave in an impulsive manner? the HOPE is ion the fact that i really do not ignore those consequences and very rarely act on “pure” impulse. these days. that is quite unlike how i used to be.
as i was preparing to put my ideas about my recovery down this morning i got a txt from a friend about one of our acquaintances who decided to post on social media about his fifty-first birthday. he seemed to be saying that he had twenty-five years clean, when what he was really saying was that it had been twenty-five years since he was a ward of the state of Colorado. my first reaction was to post on that post and remind him, in no uncertain terms that freedom from incarceration DOES NOT EQUAL recovery, nor does social acceptability, progeny or a wife half your age. what i did instead was roll my eyes and enjoy a chuckle or two over something we knew was misleading to say the least. what i know about him and his journey to his fifty-first birthday, does not quite fit the image he is attempting to project, which i am sure is true about myself as well.
moving on from other people and back to myself, i understand that the process i am putting myself through to counter the years of denial about my dental health, is a consequence i never wanted to consider. it really is interesting that after several years of having a partial denture in my mouth, i finally came to the conclusion that all those years i was hoping all my teeth would fall out of my head, so i could just put them in a cup of water overnight, was an illusion and certainly denial of what i would actually feel. once i found a bit of self-worth, i realized i was worth keeping my remaining teeth and replacing those that were far too gone, was my “true” path. it is not the first time that the changes wrought by active recovery revealed a “truth” that i long denied.
anyhow i have stuff to accomplish, miles to trod, football to enjoy, cigars to smoke and a day to live. i can also be a part of the life i have been gifted and do not need to pretend that i am something i am not, at least not anymore. anyone who reads this little exercise can be certain that i am telling the “truth” about myself, today, as i see it and although that may change tomorrow. i do not need to overstate my case to make anyone see me as more than i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞