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to do something i was tempted to do, then proceed to do it anyway? of course i did! and when i had to pay the consequences? well, then it was always the fault of someone, something else. i wish i could say that when i got clean, this changed,no not the impulsive behavior part, i have a feeling that will always be with me. no the part that continues to plague me, is the not owning of my responsibility, do not get me wrong, i understand that i am responsible for the consequences that may befall me, and yet, sometimes, i still revert to an ancient and awfully familiar behavior of blame-shifting.
once i got clean, and followed the common misinterpretation of what addiction was all about, i could blame my misbehavior of the addict within. just as the devil made me do it, so since i was powerless over addiction, i was powerless over the sh!t addiction made me do, as if i was somehow possessed by a demonic force that had nothing good in store for me. as i grow in recovery, i see how ridiculous this sort of behavior happens to be for me, and i understand, that way back when, i needed a bit of cushion from the reality of who i am, and what i do. i NEEDED to be a victim of addiction, at least to get rolling down the road of recovery, but i hung on to that premise far too long. today, as regretful as it is to me, to leave that warm and fuzzy security blanket behind, i know that i am responsible and need to be held accountable for all that i decide to do. as i write that down, i am touched by a bit of sadness and regret, sort like when i figured out who Santa Claus really was. i knew it, but i wanted to believe differently, until the cognitive dissonance built up inside enough to force me to face reality.
as i finally get to the place of responding to a vile and pernicious missive from the dark side, i understand that there will be a consequence and am getting ready to pay the price, or perhaps accept the reward, as a result of my actions. quite possibly what i see as a price to pay, may end up being a reward, once all the fallout is complete.
yes, as i grow in my recovery, i need to rely less and less on the notions that kept me in the fellowship and on the path, back when i was getting clean and in early recovery. the foremost of those, is that addiction is outside of me, and that i am a victim of addiction for life. which is entirely different than saying i am an addict and i am doing mt level best to live a program of recovery. knowing that there are consequences and acting despite them, well that may be insanity, it certainly does not from a rational and logical viewpoint seem like the smartest idea, and yet form time to time, i find myself doing just that. what recovery teaches me is that, yes even if i look before i leap, i may still find the price far higher to pay, than i imagined it would be. the difference is that i whine and move on, victim-hood does not become a permanent part of my identity, because it is not who i am today, nor is it part of my vision for who i am becoming. anyhow, i did something impulsive this morning, and sampled a file i knew was probably laden with all sorts of vile payloads, so that means it is time to allow my machine to fix itself, while i prepare for the journey to work. it is a godd day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞