ยซ before i got clean, most of my actions were guided by impulse ยป
Posted: Sat, Oct 10, 2009 08:54:26 AM
today, i am not locked into this type of thinking, although that does not implicitly or explicitly state that i am free of such thinking. there are some days, when i agree wholeheartedly with the reading, on others i find the reading trite and cliché and then there are days like today, where my first reaction is great, i am better than that because the reading tells me so.
how does that happen? well when one of those days come around, i take the reading at face value. it says that i am free from behavior based on impulse, that i understand the consequences of every decision i make, BECAUSE i have diligently worked steps and lived this program to the best of my ability. or at least that is i hear on days like today. the danger for me anyhow, is accepting this as the TRUTH and not giving it a second thought, tripping blindly on my way, secure in the knowledge that each decision i make has been well-considered at least on some level.
the actual TRUTH is yes i have lived a program, and yes i do make better decisions as a result, BUT i can still act on impulse, without considering the price or even the prize i am seeking. acting on impulse is part of my nature as a human being, and has been morphed into something more by addiction. part of the reward of acting on impulse for me, is that i get to be a VICTIM. after the consequences hit, i can whine and wail that the addict inside made the decision and i never had a chance to consider what may happen. truthfully, this is one of my most favorite tools, i GET to act out, i can PRETEND i did not consider the consequences, then i CAN BLAME it on addiction.
so after considering all of that, the reading this morning takes on a new meaning. if i was only thirty days clean, as i was when i first read this reading, i could see it as a promise of a better life through application of the program. i am not however, only thirty days clean anymore, and now i have to see it as a standard that i live the program to meet. that standard is quite high, i understand that, to never act on impulse would be difficult to say the least, nevertheless it is a state of living i can aspire to, and one that i know realistically i will never attain.
this step cycle for me, was focused on decision-making, and although at times it neither looked like or felt like that was where my step work was taking me, i am seeing today, that is where i arrived. learning to be present for my decision-making process, by considering the price for every decision i make, is what i am learning to do today. i will act impulsively, that is a fact, HOWEVER, if i stay present for what is going on within me, i can act less impulsively, and consider more quickly. i can also learn to trust my intuition, after all, i am less sick than i was, and i can be even better tomorrow.
so this cold and snowy morning is a perfect day for me to catch-up on my work. my desktop will be swept clean before i stop for the day. on that note it is time to hit the showers and slide into town.
how does that happen? well when one of those days come around, i take the reading at face value. it says that i am free from behavior based on impulse, that i understand the consequences of every decision i make, BECAUSE i have diligently worked steps and lived this program to the best of my ability. or at least that is i hear on days like today. the danger for me anyhow, is accepting this as the TRUTH and not giving it a second thought, tripping blindly on my way, secure in the knowledge that each decision i make has been well-considered at least on some level.
the actual TRUTH is yes i have lived a program, and yes i do make better decisions as a result, BUT i can still act on impulse, without considering the price or even the prize i am seeking. acting on impulse is part of my nature as a human being, and has been morphed into something more by addiction. part of the reward of acting on impulse for me, is that i get to be a VICTIM. after the consequences hit, i can whine and wail that the addict inside made the decision and i never had a chance to consider what may happen. truthfully, this is one of my most favorite tools, i GET to act out, i can PRETEND i did not consider the consequences, then i CAN BLAME it on addiction.
so after considering all of that, the reading this morning takes on a new meaning. if i was only thirty days clean, as i was when i first read this reading, i could see it as a promise of a better life through application of the program. i am not however, only thirty days clean anymore, and now i have to see it as a standard that i live the program to meet. that standard is quite high, i understand that, to never act on impulse would be difficult to say the least, nevertheless it is a state of living i can aspire to, and one that i know realistically i will never attain.
this step cycle for me, was focused on decision-making, and although at times it neither looked like or felt like that was where my step work was taking me, i am seeing today, that is where i arrived. learning to be present for my decision-making process, by considering the price for every decision i make, is what i am learning to do today. i will act impulsively, that is a fact, HOWEVER, if i stay present for what is going on within me, i can act less impulsively, and consider more quickly. i can also learn to trust my intuition, after all, i am less sick than i was, and i can be even better tomorrow.
so this cold and snowy morning is a perfect day for me to catch-up on my work. my desktop will be swept clean before i stop for the day. on that note it is time to hit the showers and slide into town.
∞ DT ∞