Blog entry for:

my pattern of isolation makes it difficult for me to join in. over time, however, i did begin to feel **a part of** rather than **apart from**.
the release from the isolation of active addiction, is just one more gift that i am grateful for this morning. i do however, from time to time, find myself slipping away from the warm and loving comfort of being part of such a group due to my own issues. this time of year is especially difficult for me. although i am not prone to chronic clinical depression, i still get depressed as the days shorten and get colder. in the old days, i had a method of treating this depression that in not available by my choice today. this was the official start of my party season. of course back then, i had no clue what was going on, even after i heard about seasonally affected depression, i thought to myself, "self, you are not a depressive type, just use a but more, isolate a bit more and you will get through this!"
and i did, use much more and isolate much more and survive until January when the sun started coming back! so as i slip into the cycle of the seasons these days, i find myself finding excuses to avoid the very people that have given me this new way to live. i can even see this, and yet i resist what i need to do, i know that on one level the last thing i want anyone to see, is the darkness on my spirit, after all, i have some time, and this should have been resolved long ago. so isolation feeds my need to **look good**, as it continues to make it easier for me to use. after all that is the ultimate goal of the part of me i call my disease, death of my spirit by taking the first one! what exactly do i need to do to make this go away? well there is actually nothing i can do the change my internal season clock, so i have to accept that i will feel this way, and react in a different manner. i have to force myself to be more than just another person suffering from an affliction of my emotions and allow those who have loved me and comforted me across my journey of recovery, to offer me the gifts they are so willing to offer.
all of this is quite nice, but little will come of it unless i take some action, and the action i NEED to take today is to go to a meeting, share a bit of myself and allow myself to be part of this wonderful group of people that teach me how to live this way day by day. sounds simple enough and perhaps it will happen, after all the opportunity to do just that is available today!
BTW Happy THIRD anniversary of your clean date TIM S!

∞ DT ∞