Blog entry for:

with others, often feels as if it not part of my DNA, as the trope goes. i know that when i got clean, the last thing i ever wanted to do is share anything about who i was, really, with anyone, PERIOD. when i finally gave up on a life of mere abstinence and paying lip service to a program of recovery, some, nowhere close to all, of that reluctance was removed. even after decades clean, there was still part of me that i hid from everyone, including myself, as i was afraid of looking at who i was, much less letting anyone else see that person. now, nearly two years later, i am starting to feel free to be me and allow others to see that as rough, tough, cold, heartless and cruel as i may appear to be, it is all a façade to cover how sensitive i really am to the less than savory stuff that comprise life on its own terms. okay a bit of hyperbole there, cold and cruel were left behind more than a minute ago and i no longer need to pretend that i do not care about what is happening to those with whom i share my life.
what i “heard” this morning was more about allowing others to be who they will be, rather than me trying to make others see me as i am becoming. more than one person in my life is oblivious to my change to a lack of concern about what they think i “should” be. it is sad that they are missing the opportunity to join me on my journey, but their lives get smaller by the day, while mine gets larger. i know if i boxed myself into five hundred square feet, i would certainly be seeking any sort of outside presence to “take me away,” and would be doing all that i could do to encourage them to be a part of my narrow and tiny life, instead of relying on history and obligation. it is, however, what it is and today, my life is far more than what i FEAR and what i cannot accept. my life is “embiggened” by my recovery journey and the fact that each time i make a choice, there seems to be a hundred more as a consequence. at times that feels overwhelming, but it certainly is the price of my FREEDOM and one i choose to foster, just for today.
it is, however, time to post this little ditty and get out into this cold and darkish morning. part of my journey to becoming “more” means being less. less intolerant, less closed-minded and less spiritually and physically unfit. i CHOOSE to take care of myself today, as i do not want to end-up in a situation i might have avoided if only i listened to the advice about caring for myself. it may still be “too late,” for me to ameliorate the damage i have done over the years, but it does not stop me from attempting to do so. as quixotic as that may seem, perhaps it really is a dragon i am fighting and not another windmill.

∞ DT ∞