☷ to feel ☰
Posted: Fri, Oct 14, 2016 08:12:30 AM
**a part of** rather than **apart from.** true fact -- i am a loner by nature, long before i ever picked up the first time, i figured out that other people sucked and believed that if i kept myself apart from them, i would be happy. it is no wonder, with that as a starting condition, i devolved into the isolated, neurotic active addict, who needed something HUGE to occur, to change the course of his existence. with that as a background, i was more than a bit unsure of becoming anything but a tourist in this the fellowship that is currently my home. i was quite comfortably ensconced in another fellowship and was certain that once my legal consequences had been lifted, i could return to using every now and then, keep my time sober, as i had no plans of consuming alcohol and see what life on that side of the coin was. after all, alcohol was something i could live without. sure it would be tough hanging with my friends in a bar, or while camping, but if it would keep Johnny Law off my back, i could forgo alcohol, collect my time in in sobriety and visit the fellowship that is my home, for the fun and games i had grown to expect from them.
it seems to be that this set of behaviors, mine, generate a strong emotional reaction in my still. now io get pissed off when someone i judge to be a “fellowship tourist” or “recovery thief,” shows up in our meeting to “shower” us with the “quality recovery.” their intentions are more than likely pure and yet i am the one who gets all butt-hurt over the pearls of wisdom they cast in front of this swinish guy. somehow i have elected myself the protector of the group and the defender of the faith, and woe to anyone who trips off my alarm bells!
ironic is it not, how someone who did not want to even be here, evolved into someone who wants to defend his peers and friends, from every threat he perceives, real or imagined. i certainly feel a part of these days, and this let set of steps has driven that point into me, like a stake in the heart of a vampire. when i belong, i need to slay the part of me that tells me that not belonging is a better place to be. it may be safer and quieter and certainly more peaceful, but is it really a better place for this addict to be? that is a question for the ages, and one that i will be pondering over the course of this day. like it or not, i am part of something greater than myself and the time has come to accept that and move along, as i am certain there is more than one issue left to deal with in my life!
it seems to be that this set of behaviors, mine, generate a strong emotional reaction in my still. now io get pissed off when someone i judge to be a “fellowship tourist” or “recovery thief,” shows up in our meeting to “shower” us with the “quality recovery.” their intentions are more than likely pure and yet i am the one who gets all butt-hurt over the pearls of wisdom they cast in front of this swinish guy. somehow i have elected myself the protector of the group and the defender of the faith, and woe to anyone who trips off my alarm bells!
ironic is it not, how someone who did not want to even be here, evolved into someone who wants to defend his peers and friends, from every threat he perceives, real or imagined. i certainly feel a part of these days, and this let set of steps has driven that point into me, like a stake in the heart of a vampire. when i belong, i need to slay the part of me that tells me that not belonging is a better place to be. it may be safer and quieter and certainly more peaceful, but is it really a better place for this addict to be? that is a question for the ages, and one that i will be pondering over the course of this day. like it or not, i am part of something greater than myself and the time has come to accept that and move along, as i am certain there is more than one issue left to deal with in my life!
∞ DT ∞