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so here i sit, alone, working on an unplanned project thinking about how i would rather be anywhere else but here today, so i decided that i should give my thoughts a moment to be expressed.
was i lonely when i cam to the fellowship that saved my life? well i certainly had very few friends left in my life, i had separated myself emotionally from my family, had already been through a failed marriage, and was unable to sustain any sort of romantic relationships at all. was i lonely, well i would have told you HELL NO if asked, i was just a loner! after all people are unreliable and flaky, so a lack of people in my life suited me just fine! the actual truth of the matter was that i was terribly lonely and desperately craved the warmth of human companionship, but admitting that even to myself, would have devastated my already fragile self image. so is my life more full today? well i certainly have a shitload more people in my life. i am working on building a life with the woman i love, i have friends that i care about and who care for me even though there is sometimes a long time between actually seeing or even communicating with them. i have people in my life who trust me and you know what, i am actually worthy of being trusted. i have found that i can be open about my shit with more than one person and they still accept me for who and what i happen to be right at this moment. so the answer is yes, the program has taught me be more of a person than i ever was, friendly, open, caring, honest and trustworthy, and i am sure that there is even more to come, if i just learn how to take my healing process out of the constraints i seem to feel it needs. i am happy today, even though i am working on an unplanned task and it is taking more time than i was willing to give it. after all, today i can only make the plans, the actual results are out of my control!

∞ DT ∞