Blog entry for:

to loneliness.
well the song in my head yesterday morning could have been a clue as to my mood, had i chosen to heed it. i was cynically dark all day, and it really was a good thing it was a work from home day, as i may have puked all over someone yesterday. no i did not feel kind, loving or especially spiritual until after the meeting last night, when my mood was finally lifted. top off my already not so spiritual mood with a collect call from a whiny self-entitled ungrateful friend, who is once again somewhere he does not want to be, and let me just say that by the time i reached the meeting i had bashed everyone i had the slightest beef with, since the dawn of time. so this morning, as i sat and listened, i thought about how i would feel, if i never found a way to connect with the members pf the fellowship, way back when i got here.
being socially retarded, my expectations of friendships and relationships, other than the most surface, were quite low., when i walked into the rooms. i had already decided that being alone and without much human connection was a good place to be, so i was startled by the feeling of warmth i felt, when i finally started making the switch to my one and only, permanent fellowship of recovery. while i was split, i did make friends and started to learn how not be desire to be alone, but it was not until i stopped being unique and decided that i need not be redundant, that i finally began to feel i was not alone, for the first time in quite a long time, probably since i first felt different than those around me. okay, do not get me wrong, it was not the fault of that first fellowship, nor the members i met there, that i did not become part of them, i could add a big BUT here, the fact was, for me it did not work, PERIOD. when i finally stop resisting and allowed myself to be assimilated into this fellowship, i was more than pleasantly surprised that i could be the nut job weirdo, i am, and that i came to care less and less about what i thought others saw me as.
when i think back to the bombast of bile i heard yesterday afternoon, i begin to hear the desperation of unmet expectations. what he may want is exactly what myself and many of my peers have found, fellowship, respect and a place that feels like home. unlike me, that friend NEEDS to have people in his life and what he sees as disrespect, is distance. talking with a few of my friends and peers, i have come to realize that all they want is distance from him. i cannot say what they feel, but i know what they told me, and it seems he has very few fans left in the very place that could save his life. unlike me, he could not hang back and wait until there were some who were comfortable enough to bring him into their lives. the sum of his unmet expectations, especially that after three days, the world and the fellowship should be breaking their backs to “help him out,” is what i heard yesterday. i may no longer be a fan, but i am certainly not ready to drop any HOPE i may have for him. it was my fault after all, that i felt distant from my peers, when i got here, not theirs. it is their fault i feel welcomed and part of the fellowship, today. i had to change what i believed and expected in order to become part of the whole. today i am grateful to be clean and a part of something more. a part of a collective of similar people, who understand the difference from needing to be right and being right, and can explain it to me in fewer than ten words, today i am grateful for the life i have, speaking of which, it is time to pack this one in and get moving out into that life as well.
just for today? well, just for today i am grateful to be clean and have a path toward becoming something i never was, genuine, whole and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞