Blog entry for:

addiction drove a wedge between me and even my closest loved ones. loneliness and being alone, are not the same thing, however for me, when i walked into the rooms, i was alone, and had numbed away any feelings of loneliness. i had walked so far away from society and the human race in general, that i ceased to notice that anyone else existed. today? well today, i not only notice that there are others in my world, i do my best to share myself and my life with them.
my life is in a bit of flux and it started that week after Labor Day, with the demolition of my car. i have a new car that is certainly an upgrade. i got some more extended family, by allowing myself to be a part of, and i have a job offer, that is also an upgrade. with all of this change going on, desirable or not, there are certain themes that keep recurring in m y head and in what i am feeling. one of them is not, that i have too much nor is that i have too many people in my life. when i started this round of steps one of the beliefs i had, i that i was too broken to be capable of loving more than a few people. somehow i lacked the capacity to have deep and meaningful relationships with more than maybe a handful of people. as i work out my relationship with society, the fellowship, my family and the world in general, i am seeing that i viewed myself as broken, because i could not recognize that withing me, i had an infinite capacity to care and love. addiction had walled off the greatest part of that capacity as a survival skill. after all if i believed i could not love, i would not love, reducing the risk that i would get hurt. today i see the fallacy in that thinking, i got hurt regardless of how little i interacted with the world, and the FEAR of being left alone, that drove me to such extremes, warped me into a man i really did not want to be, cold, hard and very distant. the echoes of that person are still present today in my life, as i still have the ability to set myself apart from my peers, and remain there, quite comfortable in the knowledge that it is harder to be hurt when one does not reach out.
wso what is going to happen today? well i am going into work and talking to them about my new opportunity and allowing whatever will happen to happen. no manipulation, negotiation or threats, just a rational and calm conversation. will i be making the move to a new place of employment? quite possibly, but only time will tell. i know for certain that today, i will be open to the world around me and do my best to be present for what that world is trying to give to me, be it mo' money, mo' love and just a kick in the a$$, it is up to me.

∞ DT ∞