Blog entry for:

where i feel welcomed and a part of a greater whole. ironic as it may seem, and yes i do use that term far too much, the last thing i expected when i was sentenced to a stint in recovery, was to become part of a group, a fellowship and yes even a movement. as much as it might have appeared to those close to me, i certainly “liked” my state of isolated “aloneness.” aloof and arrogant, the further away i kept others, the safer i felt and the cocoon of substances and fantasy filled the need of having anyone in my life. people suck, was my mantra and walking through life a foot or two above the rest, kept those sucking people, from doing any harm to me. being someone with a fairly heavy dose of social anxiety and awkwardness, using and living the lie of active addiction fostered and strengthened those attitudes into a my suit of armor, that was impenetrable by anyone or anything.
it is not like i came to the fellowship, got clean, became a member and <BOOM> i was a gregarious, outgoing individual that my peers flocked to,. hell that sort of transformation would have scared me right back into looking for that little drop of something to make me feel something else. thankfully, my path to belonging, was a process, enhanced by the 12 STEPS and guided through the loving kindness of my sponsor, my peers and yes even my friends. slowly i realized that these people, as flawed and chaotic as they may seem to be, really do have my best interest at heart and were trying to allow me to become part of their lives, not necessarily trying to crash intro mine.
learning how to deal with “an end to loneliness,” when i so vehemently denied i was lonely, is quite a task for this addict. getting swept up in the drama and chaos of people is something that is hard to take. i know that those on the margins, use that dram as an excuse to back away, after all, what is the point of being a part of, when all around me there are others behaving badly. that excuse and its familiar refrain, has been my mantra many time in my recovery, then i peek at ot6her groups, especially spiritually based groups, to see that their bad behavior appears to be even worse. with that observation i am shocked into the reality that no matter how much better my peers and i become, there is still the whole canvas of being human to deal with and part of that picture is the swirl of chaos human interactions brings with them.
today, i am okay,being a part of and will be attending a celebration for a little bit this afternoon. today, i strive to release myself from my beat-up and worn out armor suit of isolation and allow myself to feel the fresh air of fellowship upon my bare skin. today, well just for today, i can wrap this up, be okay with who i am and see my place in the world, the fellowship i call my home and my circle of family friends and peers. and so into the breech i once again do venture, just for today.

∞ DT ∞