Blog entry for:

...sooner or later, my addiction drives a wedge between me and even my closest loved ones. so before i launch into what i heard this morning
-- HAPPY CLEAN DATE ANNIVERSARY Tim S 4 years is awesome! --
okay time for the down and dirty. this is a topic i have written around before but never addressed to my satisfaction. last year was about my emotional cycle as it is tied to the annual progression through the seasons, and before that not much more depth. so here i sit at the end of my ninth step, letting things process out and dealing with the task of forgiving myself for being desperate for control, or affection, or approval, or simply just looking good, that it colored many of my relationships until they were not only unhealthy, but rather toxic. as i look to my part, and honestly it was me who chose to compromise my values, and give pieces of myself away, i discovered how angry i was at myself. and although i knew i had a resentment about this, it did show up on my last fourth step, i was clueless about how deep it ran. well this morning, i am starting to release my anger spiritually. emotionally that process started back in May when i decided that i was not ready to die, and that i would have an excellent quality of life to the very end -- or at least do everything in my power to insure that. what did that mean? well it meant eating breakfast every day, and eating stuff like oatmeal to finish correcting my genetic flaw of higher than normal cholesterol. it means aerobic exercise for at least twenty minutes. at least four days a week. it means eating less, and choosing to eat better, and ultimately it led to investing my resources in correcting an busted part of my anatomy. yes, i made some tough choices to correct what was wrong physically with me, but now i feel good about the general direction of my physical health and can work as a partner with me physician. emotionally, and spiritually the journey i have embarked upon has reached another oasis of certainty that i am doing the correct thing. it is unfortunate, that many of those who were part of that set of relationships i find toxic, are not able to understand who i am today and who i am becoming, but that is no longer my stuff. my stuff is to upfront and honest, and i find that a whole lot more pleasing spiritually than speaking sideways in innuendos and implications. the ironic part is, those who are used to me acting in that manner are the most incapable of seeing that i am consciously deciding to make that old behavior. my command of the my native tongue is quite acute, so these days, i say what i mean and i mean what i say. there is no need to read between the lines, and for me that is the easier softer way. as i grow less and less concerned about how others may or will judge me, i become better able to connect, and to be a part of the greater whole. the fractured self, grasping for whatever straws he could find, at whatever the cost to him, is finally integrating into the sort of person i have always wanted to be. and that person is quite foreign to many, and ironically quite familiar to others. i can tell you this, to me, he is a whole new creature, and as my journey of discovery continues, i look forward to getting to know him even better. so off to the showers!

∞ DT ∞