Blog entry for:

of belonging was the last thing i ever expected to get, when i finally got clean. yeah, you know thew spiel, this was not about a program of recovery for me, way back when, this was about an exit from my legal issues.here is sit, thousands of days later musing about loneliness for the umpteenth time. today i am not lonely and if one had asked all those days ago, i would have said i was quite content being alone and was not lonely. i was quite content not having to deal with a whole lot of people in my life, and certainly no one close enough to see the sorry state i was in. i had tried love and marriage and that did not work out. my friends were reduced to “using buddies.” i kept my family at arm's length, even when i was working for them and the world in my eyes was perfect. of course when it all came crashing down, i was angry, bitter and resentful, after all, how could they do this to me🙻
these days i look back on how i got to where i am today and am amazed by how short-sighted i was. life was far from perfect in those days. today i have relationships with my peers that are friendships. i am part of a fellowship that welcomes me and asks after me, when i am missing-in-action. i am part of my family and have learned what a loving long-term relationship is all about. more and more, i feel pain when i isolate and hide in the shadows, my once upon a time default behavior. i am no longer into feeling pain that i can avoid, so i stay close and keep my friends closer.
it is true, that i am still socially, less than apt and that i still find people and relationships confusing and hard to do. the HOPE here, is that when i continue to practice at being an equal partner in my relationships, i will continue to thrive and not find the ways and means to withdraw from them. this little bit of mind-dumpery has taken far longer that i intended as, i have been multi-tasking and have certainly lost whatever train of thought i had when i first started. today i am neither alone, nor am i lonely and that is because of the fellowship that welcomed me, long before i was ready to be a part of it.

∞ DT ∞