• with the love that i am shown in the fellowship •
Posted: Fri, Oct 14, 2011 06:52:22 AM
i have no excuse for loneliness, unless of course, i make a choice to do so. as i sit here this morning, i have the chance to reflect where i have been the last 24 hours and how i am feeling today. i am of more than one mind when it comes to what i want to write about this morning, i certainly hope that if you find something here offensive, please have the cajones to tell me directly.
moving on, i can and certainly do choose to isolate myself from time to time, from the fellowship. as with any close group of human beings, the drama swirls, the gossip flies and we all know way too much about each other. i get tired of that dynamic and even if it was a religious or civic organization, i am certain that same paradigm exists. at times, it just becomes far too much for me, and isolation from others and thee fellowship in general FEELS like the next right thing to do. other times, i want to be a full participant in the fellowship, including being part of the maelstrom of human interactions that characterizes strong human group dynamics. this morning, i am somewhere in between. that is not exactly a bad place to be. i know that i can move along the spectrum of engagement with the members of the fellowship these days, because i have a bit of grace when it comes to that, part of the gift of having clean time. i also know that i only have myself to blame, if i stray away and find i am not as welcome as i once was, people protect themselves from those they deem as dangerous, and straying away certainly can be seen as a risky and yes dangerous behavior.
anyhow, as i am unable to see across space and time, except in the here and now, i need to get headed out to see what is happening with one the tasks i am responsible for this morning. man i hate when my plan of the day is upset by powers beyond my control, but i can be okay knowing that it is part of the human condition and not some eerily weird affliction that i must suffer with by myself.
give me a few days to come back to my senses and i will be writing with the passion i have been once again, i am certainly a little gun shy this morning and am even thinking about not calling someone out. in fact i have decided to remove the call-out from the top of the page, as i lack the courage to leave it there for all the world to see. well not quite removed but certainly changed in voice and language from my original thought. i really hate watching what i say in my own personal space, but for now, it is what it is, and i CAN make the alterations to my what i do here for the sake of my serenity, it is after all a great day to be clean.
moving on, i can and certainly do choose to isolate myself from time to time, from the fellowship. as with any close group of human beings, the drama swirls, the gossip flies and we all know way too much about each other. i get tired of that dynamic and even if it was a religious or civic organization, i am certain that same paradigm exists. at times, it just becomes far too much for me, and isolation from others and thee fellowship in general FEELS like the next right thing to do. other times, i want to be a full participant in the fellowship, including being part of the maelstrom of human interactions that characterizes strong human group dynamics. this morning, i am somewhere in between. that is not exactly a bad place to be. i know that i can move along the spectrum of engagement with the members of the fellowship these days, because i have a bit of grace when it comes to that, part of the gift of having clean time. i also know that i only have myself to blame, if i stray away and find i am not as welcome as i once was, people protect themselves from those they deem as dangerous, and straying away certainly can be seen as a risky and yes dangerous behavior.
anyhow, as i am unable to see across space and time, except in the here and now, i need to get headed out to see what is happening with one the tasks i am responsible for this morning. man i hate when my plan of the day is upset by powers beyond my control, but i can be okay knowing that it is part of the human condition and not some eerily weird affliction that i must suffer with by myself.
give me a few days to come back to my senses and i will be writing with the passion i have been once again, i am certainly a little gun shy this morning and am even thinking about not calling someone out. in fact i have decided to remove the call-out from the top of the page, as i lack the courage to leave it there for all the world to see. well not quite removed but certainly changed in voice and language from my original thought. i really hate watching what i say in my own personal space, but for now, it is what it is, and i CAN make the alterations to my what i do here for the sake of my serenity, it is after all a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞