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well, i must say, that this morning has started off much better than yesterday. i am down to this task on my daily list a bit on the early side, before i go brave the wind and work-out. maybe not a perfect start to my day, but certainly a more than acceptable one. dropping down into what i heard this morning brings me to a point where i could certainly say that i have the “perfect” excuse to be lonely and thy name is COVID-19.
as i whine, fret and fume about how these plague times have stifled my social interactions and leaving me feeling isolated and alone, i can see that for me, i seem to always be looking for an excuse to isolate from the world around me. by staying home and in front of my computer, there is very little that can harm me, certainly no one else, as staying home in front of the computer precludes a whole lot of intimacy. the “story” i tell myself is that i am protecting my parents, and i am, BUT and yes it is a huge one, i am using this excuse to detach myself from my fellowship and my friends, when i should be doing what i can do, to allow them in and accommodate the novel corona virus.
as i sat, the chaos i witnessed the other night, bubbled-up to the surface and left me with the realization that i have done my part to create a safer place and have proposed a path to “fixing” the issues as i see them. as disturbing as that small group of so-called normal people behaved, i certainly have seen worse, especially when a group of addicts with an axe or two to grind, try to get something done in a committee. with that sort of experience under my belt, perhaps there is a path to resolution, short of disbanding the committee, altogether.
the other thang that came to the surface, is a direct response to the reading, that i really have no excuse to be lonely. yes i know it is a state of being, rather than a physical state. having the desire to be alone and being okay with being alone, is not the same thing as being lonely. i certainly miss hanging with my brothers of the leaf and shooting the sh!t in a smoke-filled room. i miss the hustle and bustle of the after a meeting, meeting in the parking lot. i miss the hugs of my friends and peers. yes, i may miss all of that, but at this stage in the game, i need to figure out how to return to that world in a safe and sane manner, one step at a time.
all the angst and discontent i am feeling is a result of the part of me i call addiction, working me over. i am not one of those who speaks about my addict being out in the parking lot, when i attend a meeting. for me, it is always part of who i am and uses what i know about myself and the recovery process to insinuate that maybe there is a different way. this morning i am going to counter that argument by saying, yes there may be a differnt way, but it does not include a little drop of poison or injuring myself or others to demonstrate just how powerful i think i am. no sir, just for today, i will do what i can to let go of the reasons i want to isolate and see where it takes me.

∞ DT ∞