Blog entry for:

a part of rather than apart from, has always been one of my goals, even before i realized that i wanted was connection, regardless of the consequences. what i discovered though, was being alone was better in some respects, as the lone wolf, could not have his heart broken, his feelings hurt or be left behind. the trade-off was acceptable for a very long time and even once i became a member, i made sure there was some distance between me and everyone else. i could find all sorts of places to shift the blame for that notion to, the facts however, seem to point to the lie i manufactured and nurtured for decades on end: being alone meant no one could see me as the broken person i believed i was. oddly enough i was never lonely, or if i was, i was so good at denying it, that i never noticed.
this morning i feel a bit of regret over missing out of being part of something for all those days, but dwelling in that house of pain does very little to further my cause of becoming the best version of me that i can be today. this whole notion of belonging and longing to belong, feels a bit overworked to me, at least in the here and now. the truth is i lacked the desire to belong and as i get over my bad self, i now have found a place where i want to belong and do what i can to allow others into my life. there are people in my life who remain at the doorway to being a part of my life and there is no way for me to encourage them to ask what is keeping them out. when i have the desire for someone to be a part of my life, i encourage them to be there, by being there and not living in the trivial world of “making conversation.”
of course there is a bug that got introduced with my code push yesterday, that i need to correct, but that is okay as well. i will move on into my morning workout and think about where the issue may be. it is a good day to be a part of something greater. it is a good day to “own” that i am far from perfect. yeah, i know, my gratitude is coming out as i fart a few rainbows and shit a few daisies, but some times i just feel that way. i might as well go with the flow and be who i am, at least right here and right now, just for today. 😜

∞ DT ∞