ฮผ i feel that i might scare someone away if i speak of pain or difficulties. ฮผ
Posted: Sat, Nov 3, 2007 07:16:46 AM
in a sincere and well-intentioned desire to carry the message, i tend to talk glowingly only about what is going well in my life.
guilty as charged! i do tend minimize the pain and suffering in my life for all sorts of reasons, my rationalization always comes down to the newcomer argument. after all what hope can i offer, if after a few years clean, i am still having life problems?
…well for one, the hope that i can stay clean no matter what little bumps appear in the road of recovery. for another, that a life free of pain and suffering is not the reward for staying clean. honestly, i still have a rewards and punishment system set-up in my head, no matter how much i try and deny it. as a result, i often attach way too much value to the good things happening in my life, and look at them as rewards for another day clean. the converse is also true, i look at the bad things as punishments for something that is lacking in my program. as a result some days i am running around over analyzing every little event that occurs as part of daily living. what i see that as today, is yet another sign of how insane i can still be. so how can i share with a newcomer any hope when i am still so f*cking nuts?
and that is the exact hope, i may be nuts, i may way over analyze everything, i may minimize and rationalize, BUT at least i can recognize it for what it is, and take action to allow the recovery process to change it. regardless of what life throws at me, good, bad, or indifferent, i do have the ability to let go, step aside and let a POWER GREATER THAN ME work in my life, whatever form that happens to take today.
so off to the races to see what i can do to further my life and my recovery this fine day.
guilty as charged! i do tend minimize the pain and suffering in my life for all sorts of reasons, my rationalization always comes down to the newcomer argument. after all what hope can i offer, if after a few years clean, i am still having life problems?
…well for one, the hope that i can stay clean no matter what little bumps appear in the road of recovery. for another, that a life free of pain and suffering is not the reward for staying clean. honestly, i still have a rewards and punishment system set-up in my head, no matter how much i try and deny it. as a result, i often attach way too much value to the good things happening in my life, and look at them as rewards for another day clean. the converse is also true, i look at the bad things as punishments for something that is lacking in my program. as a result some days i am running around over analyzing every little event that occurs as part of daily living. what i see that as today, is yet another sign of how insane i can still be. so how can i share with a newcomer any hope when i am still so f*cking nuts?
and that is the exact hope, i may be nuts, i may way over analyze everything, i may minimize and rationalize, BUT at least i can recognize it for what it is, and take action to allow the recovery process to change it. regardless of what life throws at me, good, bad, or indifferent, i do have the ability to let go, step aside and let a POWER GREATER THAN ME work in my life, whatever form that happens to take today.
so off to the races to see what i can do to further my life and my recovery this fine day.
∞ DT ∞