Blog entry for:

my own two feet and facing whatever comes my way, just for today. of course that does not absolve me from doping this little daily exercise of who and what i feel this morning, but it does set a mood for what i heard this morning. something my sponse said to me the last time we sat down, came up from the pits of my recall. his comment was that like him, i am mostly clueless about what it is like to be a newcomer. at the time, i agreed and filed it away, but this morning it came boiling up from the depths, and as i ponder that point, i know what he was suggesting and how that fact of life plays out in my life.
having embraced the cynical part of who i am, i very rarely paint a rose-coloured version of my life today. i have said it in the past that i am not one of those who “shares for the newcomer,” in fact, i would prefer to let them know that my journey through recovery has not been easy, pain-free or the instant return of everything i willingly traded away, for the next “get high.” when i hear the newest of the new, speaking of the amazing changes that they have seen in their first thirty, sixty or ninety days clean and how “proud” they about achieving those milestones, i want to burst their bubble and let them know that they are living in the fantasy world of a “pink cloud.” yes, my DESIRE to inoculate them with a charge of reality, is sometimes overwhelming, but i have learned that discretion is certainly a better path for this addict to take, and allow them to find out for themselves that their view of the world and their lives may suddenly not be to their liking. i have been in those situations where my version of reality did not match what was really going on, and paying the price today, for my recent foray into fantasy. that is the one part of life on life's terms i share with the newcomer and i can certainly provide the emotional and moral support they may require, when the inevitable happens and they have to face life clean and in all its horrific glory. that is more than likely the reason i attract very few newcomers to ask me to sponsor them and those who do ask, actually seem to stick around for a minute.
coming back to the topic i introduced at the top of this little ditty, when i came to recovery i thought i KNEW how to stand on my own two feet and meet the challenges that life tossed my way. actually, i was only part way there, i abdicated responsibility by refusing to make decisions. i played the victim card time and again and when i got my a$$ in a sling, i played the “what do you expect from a drug addict, rubber biscuits?” when the walls closed in on me, i ran as fast as and far as i could, to avoid the majority of my consequences. when i finally got clean, i saw the members of the two fellowships as yet another group to take advantage of and milk them for all that i needed. i saw the means to NOT stand on my own two feet and for those first eighteen months did a pretty good job of letting the “care” for me. asa newcomer i was duplicitous and cunning and in the full grips of active addiction, even though i was clean. when i finally “GOT” recovery i had a sh*tload of amends to make to my peers and the fellowship that had become my home. i was far from, perfect, but in the long run,. i have learned to forgive myself from those transgressions and have become more whole and genuine than ever before. i may not end up on national TV or hob-nob with the top of the local political food chain, but today i am secure in who and what i am, and that is an addict who participates in my active recovery to the best of his ability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞