Blog entry for:

in the real world, stuff happens, some of it to my liking, some not so much, that is just how it is. in the imaginary world that i once used to share about, i farted daisies and puked rainbows, no matter what, it was all good, regardless of whether i really believed that or not. in that imaginary world, i believed i was actually helping out the latest of my peers to walk into the door, by keeping them around long enough to “get” this recover gig. so enough i realized as the reading points out, that sugar coating what life is, does not one person any favor, not me, not my peers, and certainly not the newest members, all it does it set them up for an enormous fall.
so knowing i was doing wrong, i swung the other way, and shared about how sick i still am, after some years clean. how when i did not like the way things were going, i found a substitute to change the way i was feeling. in my “doom and gloom” days. that was also a behavior i believed was beneficial for the newcomer, because after all,l that was why i was there, to carry the message to the newest of my new peers. more importantly after my journey to the dark side, i would say; “BUT I STAYED CLEAN, TODAY!”
time passes, i work some steps, i learn how to be present and i start to work an active program of recovery. against that backdrop i see that i am not really here for the new guys, i am here for myself. i share what i need to share and i do my best not to spin it, one way or another, sort of a content neutral attempt. once, i stepped out from the false humility of never taking any part of the credit for my recovery and accepting that i am not that sick anymore, i started to become a part of the “No Matter What club.” i realized that for a long time now, i no longer have the desire to change how i feel and that i am better than i chose to ever admit. and guess what, i have a newcomer sponsee or three.
today? well today, i am grateful for the ability to carry recovery into my life beyond the shelter of the rooms. to take risks and accept the consequences and to see, that there is more to this recovery gig, than just gritting my teeth and not using. i am grateful that i have come to believe that feelings are transitory and seldom fatal. i am grateful that i am learning to take value judgements of “good” and “bad” away from my feelings and doing so much more than surviving. i no longer feel as if i am eking out a life, and trudging the path of recovery. today i CHOOSE to be more than i was yesterday, and sometimes, that gratitude may sound like “advanced” recovery, when actually it is just an extension of the basics.
today. i have a life that need not be toppled over by the slightest breeze of adversity and that life and how i do it, is the message i carry, when i choose to share.

∞ DT ∞