Blog entry for:

that the average newcomer faces, are quite a bit more stressful than what i deal with each day.
farting daisies and sh!tting rainbows and unicorns, not an activity i am well-known for, some of my peers, well, let me just say that our world views have quite a different appearance, especially when it comes time to share about that outlook in a meeting. over time, i have grown to see the uselessness in sharing for the newcomer, and vomiting the same happy horsesh!t, over and over again. i am a pragmatic, realist, with a cynical outlook on the world in general. that does mean i lack FAITH or HOPE, it just means i take a more balanced approach to what i share and follow the guidelines in our literature: what i am struggling with today, and how my peers can help. there are plenty of others in attendance in my local fellowship, who can play the cheerleader and paint the rosy picture of life in recovery, in fact, i feel that the bit of doom and gloom i share, provides the balance to the sweetness and light that they share.
before i give someone the wrong impression, i certainly was one of those who shared for the newcomer, back in the not so distant past. as i worked the steps, i began to realize that sharing for the newcomer was a form of people-pleasing for me, and no less deadly that the false humility of not owning the fact that my recovery is the result of the work i have done, in concert with the POWER that fuels my recovery. neither suits my purpose of being who i am, and both are part of the perfect fellowship member front, that i once felt obligated to present to my peers. the work of the last set of steps, is finally allowing me the freedom to be more than the shell of a member that i once was. it does not mean i share my deepest and darkest secrets in every open meeting, but i do walk the talk, and if i do not feel it, i do not prattle on about nothing at all. i do not repeat myself, and i do not have the same basic share, no matter what meeting i am sitting in. i no longer need to parrot the party line, even though i ascribe to it, as i have torn it apart, looked at its components and put it back together, to the best of my ability. my investigations have uncovered, that for me, the party line, is perfect and nowhere does it say that i have to minimize my efforts to build and maintain my recovery, or speak of my life in such glowing terms that i feel like the second coming of Pollyanna. i feel that our newest members do not want that crap, nor or they willing to sit here and be fed pablum. no i am of the opinion that they want the HOPE, only an experienced member can give them, when those members share what recovery is really LIKE FOR THEM, fVcking warts and all.
ah, i am on a soapbox again, two days in a row, i guess that means there are a few passionate opinions floating around inside of me. or it must mean that i have the freedom to go for a bit, as i am starting a brand new job and do not have to be down there until 9 AM. or perhaps it means that i am sick of the same old crap that keeps coming out of the mouths of my peers, and i am trying shake some real fruit loose from those posers. or maybe, just maybe, it really is how i feel, that the best way I can carry the message of HOPE, is to be myself, allow everyone, including the newest of the new, to see me exactly as i am and allow them the FREEDOM to see, that i came through all sorts of sh!t, some minor, some incredibly major, and did NOT CHOOSE to use, because i feel safe and secure within the arms of the fellowship that gave me this new way of living and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
no matter what, just for today, i am a member of this club!

∞ DT ∞