Blog entry for:

about how what the path of my recovery has been and the myriad of **bad** decisions i made in that journey, is more than likely more helpful than painting a glowing picture of what me life is all about today. i have to be honest here, recovery has certainly given me a life that i once derided even though i envied those i saw with lives similar to the one i have now. the mistake i often make, is that what others see, especially those who were not around in the dark days of my early recovery, is the result of a process and was never promised to me, by anyone. it is also true, that i struggle to identify with my newest peers, as the days of having the desire to use are no longer part of my life today. the speaker last night shared a whole lot of her life before and after getting clean, but the one thing that she said, that stuck with me was that those who come to the program today have it easier than she did when she got clean. it is not as if society has changed its collective judgement of what addicts are and what we need, but there are more resources for the newly clean than were back in the day. the most important one in my mind, is a mature and growing fellowship. when i got clean, most of those i shared the rooms with had less than ten years clean. not that clean time equal recovery, but where there is clean time, there is often some recovery as well.
i forget what it is like to have 90 days clean and i do not know what it means to have 25 years clean. i can however share at length about what it means to have 22 years clean and how i got here. i am struggling today with how to tell someone that they need to learn a bit of respect for me and for themselves, without coming off as preachy, blaming or shameful. that conversation has been deferred until later and i will have some time to allow my heart to craft what i need to say, rather than blurting out what me head suggests. with my weekend chores completed and my daily exercise goals met, i think i will watch some football, commiserate about how awful i am at Fantasy Football this season and let go of everything else, including whether or not the home team will get creamed this afternoon.

∞ DT ∞