Blog entry for:

out the best in me, at least that is how it works these days. here is where i could go into how i came to this point, through a long-winded explanation about where i once was, and where i am today. i can say unequivocally that today, i serve because i have the desire to serve and that the service i affect to my fellowship, my home group and my friends and family, certainly does bring out the best parts of me, when i allow that to happen. the trick for me anyhow, is to see serving as a choice, rather than a requirement, especially when it involves family members who have allowed themselves to fall into decrepitude. i am grateful that burden has been lifted from me, at least for the time being. i will eventually try and figure out how to find a safe place between my feelings for what happened in the past and a what is happening in the here and now.
when it comes to the fellowship, i can say that when i started doing service work, it was to build my self-esteem though the approval of others, namely my peers in recovery. if i was “the guy” to go to for service stuff, then i was better than i felt i was. i have to admit, being a big fish in a very small pond, felt good and worked until it did not. when my sponse suggested that it was time to step away from the service spotlight, as it were, and quietly practice service, i almost died. how was i supposed to build my self-esteem without the praise and approval of everyone around me? of course, i said sure,m and with great trepidation, slowly released my service commitments, a process that took a decade to accomplish. what is left after all of that is carrying the message to addicts who cannot get to a regular meeting and keeping the doors open for my home group. and you know what? i am not suffering from the lack of attention and praise, in fact i feel more whole than i have ever felt in the past.
today, i have to focus on serving my employer, although i am well-paid to do so. i am probably going to need to work this weekend, at least for a couple of hours, to get my stuff ready to roll on Monday morning. since i want this job and i know that my performance has been less than stellar, i have to step up and apply myself, more than just a tad more. it is a good day to remember that not all service that i do is for the fellowship that provided me a path to the job i now have. on that not, it is time to post this little exercise, get some steps in and move forward with what i started yesterday. i am grateful that just for today, i have the opportunity to be a bit more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞