Blog entry for:

stand on my own feet and face life on its own terms, so why not from the start? there is a BIG difference in the fellowship that i ended up in versus the one i started out from. one might say here we are a bit more cruel as we do not protect the 'oh so fragile' newcomers from the winds of reality. nor it is suggested that the newcomer go out and try some 'controlled' using to be sure they are really done using. there is a single promise here not a litany of 12 that are chanted over and over again. no the fellowship i landed in, is far more pragmatic. i am grateful that once i got here i was not molly-coddled. i am glad that i learned that i was not entitled to anything, except the CHANCE to be FREE FROM active addiction, IF I CHOSE TO DO WHAT those who had gone before me did.
all in all, the pact was, if i took a few suggestions, went to a few meetings, worked a few steps. i would get better and be better prepared to weather the storms of life that blew gale force across me. all in all, that is exactly what happened. i know how cold that all sounds, and there are many in our fellowship today, who rebel against such 'harsh' treatment of those who are just walking in the door. honestly, i do not see any greater percentage of them sticking around than when i got clean, it seems being kind and gentle is no more effective than being pragmatic and realistic right from the start.
what i just wrote might be interpreted that i say throw them to the wolves, when i am actually saying show them the wolves and let them decide for themselves. as you can tell, this really irks me. i hate it when i hear someone say, “share for the newcomer, after all they are the most important person in the rooms.”
guess what, THEY ARE BECAUSE, i can only KEEP WHAT I HAVE BY GIVING IT AWAY!
our literature also says IF YOU WANT WHAT WE HAVE TO OFFER, THEN… once again there is a choice the newcomer has to make. i am more than willing to give away everything i know about recovery. i am more than willing to let others know what my life is like BECAUSE I CHOOSE to recover. the flip side, is that i am also willing to share the trials and tribulations that living in the here and now in ACTIVE recovery brings, and truthfully, sometimes that is so far from the sunny side of the street, that it scares me. i even have some clean time, and life on life's terms, seems like a losing proposition from time to time. i am grateful today, that those who were here when i got clean, helped me through those storms instead of protecting from them, as i am much better equipped today than i would have been had i followed my self-entitled path and allowed others to take care of me way back when.
part of what i am feeling this morning is a reaction to the addict i took to a meeting on Sunday evening. for whatever reason, he expressed to me, that he was entitled to being welcomed into the social part of life, and that he was entitled to other members going out of their way to take him to meetings, after all that is how it is done, in his opinion, in the other fellowship. well after spending some time with him, newcomer or not, i was ready to never spend another second with him. he is angry, abrasive and unwilling to take any responsibility to do anything for his own recovery. he has a million excuses that are preventing him and the world gave him such a rotten shake that WE owe him something.
i was angry and abrasive when i came in. i was self-entitled and selfish as well. but when those who were ready to protect me from the storms of life reached out, i screamed no fVcking way! back then, i was afraid i would owe them something in return for their kindness. i know now, that is just what they no with little or no expectation of a return any kind. i am grateful they were here, but i am more grateful that recovering addicts were here, so when i finally came to the inevitable conclusion that this was not about the use of substances for me, they could guide me on the path, i still travel today. i am also grateful that they were straight forward with me from the beginning, although at times, i thought they were far too serious. i am clean today, and i CHOOSE to be in active recovery today, BECAUSE of those members not in spite of them.
so i think i have vented enough, it is time for a quick workout and then back to work, after all, my bills will not get paid UNLESS i do something to bring in some money.

∞ DT ∞