Blog entry for:

and let them know that, no matter what life brings, not one of US ever have to use again, one day at a time.
a quick update -- i am still mostly numb about the death of my nephew, perhaps tomorrow at his funeral service, that will change. no matter what, i will do my best to accept that what i am feeling, or not feeling, is what i am supposed to be feeling right here and right now.
moving on, i have been guilty of trying to share only the HOPE part and leave all the life on its own terms stuff out of the rooms. i do it less these days, and ironically the little quote i shared on facebook this morning talks about people with time, not always being the spiritual giants we expect them to be, myself included. weaving those two themes together, i stat to think about what was shared last night at the meeting i was at. it is tough, given the situation there, with the freshest of the FNGs not to want to share about only the good that is part of my life and leave all the life stuff out. after all, they are there, BECAUSE they can no longer deal with the way their lives are going, so i want to be all sunshine and light to attract them to the opportunity to recover. when i am there i am certain that the last thing they want to hear is that my life is too busy for me to take care of my physical self, or that i have inappropriate feelings as part of my grieving process, or i think that so and so is fraud and is incapable of getting this gig. some of that is not even appropriate material to share in a meeting, as it is certainly judgmental and opinionated. be that as it may, what i tried to do last might is share the HOPE and share the pain as well. others can and often do, share the whole bright and shiny side, so i leave that task to them.
speaking of fraud, i am drawn back to the first part of my experience in the rooms. it is true, i was not ready to take what i was being given, BUT i certainly wanted to look like i was, and made all the noises like is was. after all, it is not about how i felt back in those days, it was all about HOW I LOOKED and i looked marvelous! or at least i thought so. seeing that sort of behavio9r today, i understand the desire to live a lie, and the building pressure of the contradiction of using and trying to put up the front about how wonderful life was in recovery, to the extent i even faked a pink cloud. the POWER that fuels my recovery, gave me plenty of rope, and hang myself i did. i am however, grateful today for that being part of my story, as those dark and dank days led me to a place that i am today. yes i spent the first year or so of my recovery, heroically trying top prove i did not need this and was not like those in the rooms, but even that ended when the time was right and today i am grateful for that cross-fellowshipping experience as well. a drug may just be a drug but a fellowship is so much more, i am where i belong, and i have no reservations about that.
today, my life is so much more than i ever imagined, and although i can never reclaim that quarter century lost to active addiction, i can and will do what i can to make today the best day i can. it is time however, to wrap this up and got cracking on my next task of the day, solve the issue in my code that has plagued me the past two days and move on. i certainly is a great day live in recovery.

∞ DT ∞