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i sense that i am on the verge of a great discovery, yet i also sense that i will not fully understand the meaning of love unless i give mine away.
well this wonderful morning, i read this reading for what feels like the first time. i know that is not the case however, i feel so touched by what was said, that it feels all so new.
what i am thinking. as i write this, is the whole keep what we have have by giving it away. i somehow got it into my head that only applied to the gifts i have received in recovery, totally ignoring the fact that the ability to be loved and to love was one of those gifts. an emotional war story might be appropriate here, but it would severely miss the mark of what i am feeling right now. the truth was that in active addiction i had learned how to shut-off the flow of this vital life force. i accepted that others loved me, although that number had dwindled down to a few. it always bothered me that they could love me, when i looked at the deeds i had to do to sustain my addiction. if they only knew what i was, they would run from me, pulling out their hair, so instead of allowing them into my life, i did what i could to prevent them from seeing me, isolating myself from the flow of their love.
learning to accept love has been a long process for me, learning how to give love has been equally as lengthy. the part of me that i call my addict tells me that i am unworthy of this life force and that i need to do whatever i can to avoid being ensnared in this flow of life energy. after all, if i accept i have to give. the two way nature of this flow precludes anything else. so as i sit here on this early sunday morning, i wonder why that part of me is so resistant to this flow. the only answer i can come up with is, that this is the stuff of life and that part of me is still actively pursuing my demise. the realization that part of me wants me to be cut-off from the world around me, echoes one of the disturbing realizations written about in our literature. i am not responsible for how that part of me got going, i am responsible to do whatever it takes to stay clean and further my recovery today. and on that note, it is time to move forward into my day. TTFN!

∞ DT ∞