Blog entry for:

connecting me to those around me. addiction deprived me of that connection, locking me within myself.
words have power, and like anything when i accept the use of that power, i also have to accept the consequences. so exactly what does the power of language have to do with the giving and receivi9ng of love? well, LOVE is one of the most powerful words i know. although some may throw the term around very loosely, it is my, experience that all but sociopaths attach a great deal of emotion to the use of the word love, and hence i can effectively use it for whatever purpose i see fit. not that using the word has anything at all to do with giving and receiving love. i discovered in my active addiction that sometimes just saying the word love was enough of a substitute for actually giving love, that the recipient actually though i loved them. so it was also quite easy to say that i did not love them anymore, to end yet another empty and loveless relationship. most of the time they were never any wiser about the true nature of my feelings. at the end of my active addiction, my ability to substitute using the word love for the action of giving love no longer had the desired effect. i had gone to such an isolated place inside myself, that everyone knew something was wrong and concluded that i was incapable of exchanging love with anyone. so imagine my surprise, when i first heard the cliché " let us love you until you can love yourself."
since i attended meeting long before i ever started recovering, that particular phrase just went right into my internal spam box, with a quick oh yeah, i bet, what do these freaks really want from me?
so as i entered recovery, and i as i started to see who and what i was, the whole concept of exchanging love was quite a alien and frightening frontier for me. when i look back on my journey, it is no wonder, that it took me six years to find and start a healthy relationship. i am certain that i was quite unprepared before that time, and i am grateful that it was given to me, only after i became ready and healthy enough to accpet it. okay, back to my original premise, i now understand that the power of the word love has over me today, and when i use that word it is not lightly. yeah, i may be way too deep for some, and yes it may seem that i am cold and uncaring because i hold the right to give my love closely to my vest, but that is just the way i am. at least i can give and receive love, and like friendship i place a higher value on it than may seem normal. i could launch into to a tirade of the behaviors i have witnessed in the name of giving and receiving love, but i do believe that would be counterproductive. i do know that today, thanks to the program and those memebers who loved me until i grew the capability to love myself, i can freely give and receive love, i can be myself and i can be more than i ever dreamed was possible. that ability grows without limits, as long as i do what i need to do to actively maintain my recovery. so off to the showers and into this day to see how much love i can give and RECEIVE!

∞ DT ∞