Blog entry for:

the cage of addiction, that still bubbles up from my internal underworld, is a topic i am more than willing to look at today. this reading has spawned all sorts of different musing from me. from a restating of what i once believed i was being told by my peers, to ridiculous metaphors. this morning i remember one of my earlier reaction and got an earwig for Freeway of Love as performed by the Queen of Soul.
coming off that tangent, this morning i also had two very disparate reactions to the reading. the first and most immediate one, was about how “corny” this topic felt. when something strikes me that way, these days i pause and consider what it is that i find so distasteful about what i read that i have to slap a disparaging judgement on it. what came to me this morning, was that if i accepted this topic as something that was part of me, i was “soft, weak and feeble,” when i want to present to the world how “hard and strong” i am. i want the world to see me as a rock and not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. i also see that i want to deny that being loved and loving is a way out of the isolation that i wish to retreat into, sometimes on a daily basis. life without others in it, is certainly less complicated.
that path, may still be open to me, but it no longer “feels” like a choice i have the desire to make.in fact, as i grow in recovery, “growing up in public” as some of my peers are wont to say, i get see the rewards of having others in my life. i get to “feel” the complications of having intimacy with others is worth the chaos it seemingly brings with it. i get to be more than a caricature of a man and the depth that i always wanted to pretend i had, is actually becoming who i am. the fact is, when i most wanted to run away and not become part of anything, my peers kept encouraging me to come back, even when i was abusive, disruptive and full of rage. that is part of the debt i owe to this fellowship and just for today, i guess it is time to walk out of my house and allow myself the freedom to express those feelings, openly and honestly with those i care about.

∞ DT ∞