๐ the essence ๐
Posted: Thu, Nov 4, 2021 06:28:10 AM
of life itself is a very strong statement and i often stumble when i come across philosophical statements that are so absolute. it is not that i feel that love is unimportant and exchanging love is an activity that i could certainly do more aptly, it is just sometimes statements about how important love may be, feels a bit hokey.
it is quite true that when i came to recovery, i was cold, isolated and certainly not very loving or lovable. i accepted that as the reality of who i was and never had any aspirations of changing those aspects of myself. as i stayed clean and began to grow into the person i am becoming, i believed i was so broken that i only had a limited capacity to love. in that world, it meant that once i reached that limit, someone had to go, before my “love cup” spilled over and emptied out. that fit the pattern of the lie i had been living and only after more step work and a few more just for todays, did i come to believe that was not the case at all. i “proved” i did not have a limited capacity to love, without touching the lie that led me to that conclusion. on this side of my reveal in the FIFTH STEP, i see that there were many instances in my life, in recovery and in active addiction, when i had both the motive and the opportunity to see things differently but chose to follow the comfortable path of denial and isolation.
this morning, i feel sad as my uncle died last night and i feel grateful that i arranged for the opportunity to say goodbye, before he died. i can truly say that i am glad that he lived his life well to the end. i “got” the gift of being a small part of his life, because i got clean and learned to live a program of recovery. i will “get” to be part of the celebration of his life when the time comes next Spring. in the present tense, i believe i will do what i can to accept those in my life, just the way they are and love them because of that, rather than despite how they choose to exchange love.
for me, however, part of being able to give love, is to show love for myself as well. i have a morning full of work meetings and as a result will be hitting the road, a wee bit early this morning. as i have emptied the vessel of what i thought i had to say on this topic, it feels like a good time to post this baby and see if i can get some steps under my belt. it is a good day to be a part of the process of being loved and loving those with whom i share my life.
it is quite true that when i came to recovery, i was cold, isolated and certainly not very loving or lovable. i accepted that as the reality of who i was and never had any aspirations of changing those aspects of myself. as i stayed clean and began to grow into the person i am becoming, i believed i was so broken that i only had a limited capacity to love. in that world, it meant that once i reached that limit, someone had to go, before my “love cup” spilled over and emptied out. that fit the pattern of the lie i had been living and only after more step work and a few more just for todays, did i come to believe that was not the case at all. i “proved” i did not have a limited capacity to love, without touching the lie that led me to that conclusion. on this side of my reveal in the FIFTH STEP, i see that there were many instances in my life, in recovery and in active addiction, when i had both the motive and the opportunity to see things differently but chose to follow the comfortable path of denial and isolation.
this morning, i feel sad as my uncle died last night and i feel grateful that i arranged for the opportunity to say goodbye, before he died. i can truly say that i am glad that he lived his life well to the end. i “got” the gift of being a small part of his life, because i got clean and learned to live a program of recovery. i will “get” to be part of the celebration of his life when the time comes next Spring. in the present tense, i believe i will do what i can to accept those in my life, just the way they are and love them because of that, rather than despite how they choose to exchange love.
for me, however, part of being able to give love, is to show love for myself as well. i have a morning full of work meetings and as a result will be hitting the road, a wee bit early this morning. as i have emptied the vessel of what i thought i had to say on this topic, it feels like a good time to post this baby and see if i can get some steps under my belt. it is a good day to be a part of the process of being loved and loving those with whom i share my life.
∞ DT ∞