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giving and receiving love, still a tough thing for me to accept. after all, i was sure that i was not only unlovable, but also incapable of experiencing love. that notion got hammered home to me again and again in my active using days. time and time again, i would catch myself saying that i loved someone, only to discover that i was using them for whatever needs i had at the time. as a result, when i got here, and finally made the decision that here i where i wanted to stay, and when i heard about love, i was sure that all other aspects of the program applied to me except the whole idea of getting and giving away love. that was a path that was certainly closed to me -- i was damaged way beyond repair in that respect.
but a funny thing happened on my way to getting out of the justice system, and by funny i do not mean HA-HA funny, i started to actually feel that people in the program cared for me and could, GASP, love me! and there was my first paradigm shift, the first time that what i thought was reality and the TRUTH was destroyed. how could those people love me, i am such a piece of shit and yet they do, or perhaps they are just lying, but it does not feel like they are acting and why would they bother to act as-if they loved me, what would be the payoff for them. and as i realized that other members in the program could love me, my icy cold heart started to melt, kind of like some cartoon character and i discovered that even i could return that love.
so this whole learning how to give and receive love gig is just another process, and one that is ongoing across the span of my recovery. there are still times when i feel unlovable and there are also times when i feel empty and without any love top give and some times both of those conditions are present. but those times became less frequent as i get a bit better and life is a wonderful journey that i am grateful to be traveling today! so off to face the world and see what i can accomplish. TTFN!

∞ DT ∞