Blog entry for:

complicated, but certainly worth it. i was one of those who was confused being intimate with having sex, when i first got clean. well, actually, for all my life up until i started to have the desire to be something more than an empty shell of a person. sharing my deepest and darkest self is not something i had any skill with and learning that intimacy was being real with those with whom i was the closest to, scared the living shit out of me. it still took twenty-six years of clean time before i shared with a group of peers, my most humiliating moment and why i chose last week to reveal myself, is certainly beyond me. i just chock it up to it must have been the correct time to be open about the shadow that covered me for decades on end.
this morning, twenty-eight days out form my mishap on the mount, my leg feels good enough to go for a hike. if i was still playing doctor, i would diagnose myself as “cured” and time to return to training for my January trek. i am not, however, going there today as i am fairly certain the only reason my leg feels better is because i am following the suggestions of my physical therapist. she did say something yesterday when i had to force myself to relax my leg so she could do her thing. i know that i am unwilling to relax my muscles when someone is working on me, because i have this control thing going on. i can control if i tense or relax my muscles and she suggested that it was childhood experiences with things and events beyond my control that set me up to “need” to be in control of that which i can, namely the parts of my body i have voluntary control over. makes sense and with that notion firmly planted in my head, perhaps i can learn to let go of that control when i need to, without having to force myself to relax.
it is time, however, to get myself headed down the road to my home group. i have a lot of stuff i wish to accomplish today and first off is a meeting and some time with my brothers in recovery. as i walk through this day, i will be present for those places where a little bit of intimacy may be just the ticket and share what i need to share, with whomever needs what i got, just for today.

∞ DT ∞