Blog entry for:

of love unless i give mine away. so the first of four FIFTH steps was accomplished last night, and this morning i am feeling the aftermath. i forget how much it takes to be present, to listen objectively and to allow the process to happen. this morning, as i recover, the reading is especially germane, as the process of sitting down and taking someone who trusted me, through the FIFTH Step process, is one of the ways i give away the love i have received. what struck me most about last night, was how obvious the pattern of their lives were for someone who is not walking that path to see. i do not know if i am just getting better at seeing what is going on, or there was not a whole lot of superfluous detritus to hide the pattern from me. which ever case is true, does not really matter. what really matters was that i was there for him, start to finish, and i am still here for him today. no cracks of thunder, no parting of the Red Sea, and no burning bushes, just plain simple, recovery at its best. yes, no matter what anyone else believes, there really is no mystery how the POWER that fuels my recovery works. i do not need to wrap up what i do not understand in some blanket of divine mystery, to be comfortable with the uncertainty of daily life. that decision and understanding is reaffirmed, each and every time, someone trusts me enough to actually sit down and participate in active recovery. last night as i went through my inventory and this morning as i sat and listened for guidance, the same feeling came of me. one of reassurance, that at least as far as i am concerned, life is just what it is supposed to be. i also got an overwhelming feeling that i DO make a difference and that as i walk this path, actively and to the best of my ability, today and every day, i am participating in the return of love that is freely given to me. ironically, as usual, the similarities between myself and my sponsee were striking, especially when it came to some of our opinions on our lives in recovery. hopefully i provided him a clue or two and what to do with his, so he can continue the process, by telling him what i do with mine. i certainly help]ed him take his foul and nasty garbage to the curb and my HOPE is he allows his HIGHER POWER to come pick it up and take it away.
me i am wondering how far i have to go, to save the vision in my left eye. now that i am fairly certain that the retinal specialist was diagnosing me with age related macular degeneration (ARMD), i could rail at the powers that be, divine, and mundane, screaming what a victim i am. as an alternative, i can accept that it is the case and do what i am willing to do, to save the vision in my left eye. take the expensive vitamins, ok. eat better, ok. exercise more, ok but not today. stop smoking cigars, maybe, certainly i can smoke a whole lot less. you see, the decision of what to do, becomes mine, when i decide not to be defined by my physical body and allow myself the freedom to make a choice or two. i am a victim no longer, although it does not change the fact that the process is ongoing and incurable. it is what it is, and all i have to do, is allow myself the freedom to choose, just for today, what i am willing to do. the same goes for my recovery. i can horde the love i receive, or i can return it in abundance. today, i think i will give it back and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞