โ when i try to give away the love that was so freely given to me, โ
Posted: Sun, Nov 4, 2012 08:16:54 AM
i discover the missing connection between myself and the world in which i live.
as i progress through the steps, i find new and often interesting ways to see myself, and my relationship with the world around me. after a meeting yesterday, and as i do the work i need to do, to prepare for my face to face time with the sponse, i am once again hearing the echos of the lament i had, when this set of steps started, in what feels like eons ago. when my sponsor and i were discussing what my focus might be, as i worked my way through this set of 12, i expressed a fear that i was so broken that i could only hold so much love and lacked the capacity to give it way fast enough to keep it from spilling out of me and being wasted on a spiritual floor, as it were. like the mickey in the sorcerer$#39's apprentice. i would be floating at the top of a room full of water, that was constantly rising, until a force greater than myself, stepped in and saved me. as i explore that metaphor now, it still puts a smile on my face. in fact, i had to listen to it right now, as i finish writing this. sometimes i feel that the program is a magical trick i am practicing without being able to control it. i want to fill my cistern with love, but do not want to carry the buckets of water, down those stairs from the well outside, so i take a shortcut or two and release all sorts of stuff.
yeah, i know the metaphor does not quite flow together as i would like it to. so it goes, the important part, as i am learning as i progress through thins particular SIXTH STEP, that although change may be uncomfortable, it is inevitable, and the POWER that fuels my recovery, will fix me as i allow It to do ITs work. the time to return to the FAITH that is the core of my program is upon me, and if i truly believe that GOD's will for me is to stay clean today, and i do, then i need to allow myself to be filled with the love i am being given and give it away, freely, without conditions, to whomever enters my life today. my cistern will always just be full, never dry and never over-flowing, if i follow that simple path.
so humbly, with buckets in hand, i think i will do the next right thing, which today is a trip out to the Northeast corner of the state for a visit with one of the men, who trust me enough to call me their sponsor. from there, i will see where my day goes.
as i progress through the steps, i find new and often interesting ways to see myself, and my relationship with the world around me. after a meeting yesterday, and as i do the work i need to do, to prepare for my face to face time with the sponse, i am once again hearing the echos of the lament i had, when this set of steps started, in what feels like eons ago. when my sponsor and i were discussing what my focus might be, as i worked my way through this set of 12, i expressed a fear that i was so broken that i could only hold so much love and lacked the capacity to give it way fast enough to keep it from spilling out of me and being wasted on a spiritual floor, as it were. like the mickey in the sorcerer$#39's apprentice. i would be floating at the top of a room full of water, that was constantly rising, until a force greater than myself, stepped in and saved me. as i explore that metaphor now, it still puts a smile on my face. in fact, i had to listen to it right now, as i finish writing this. sometimes i feel that the program is a magical trick i am practicing without being able to control it. i want to fill my cistern with love, but do not want to carry the buckets of water, down those stairs from the well outside, so i take a shortcut or two and release all sorts of stuff.
yeah, i know the metaphor does not quite flow together as i would like it to. so it goes, the important part, as i am learning as i progress through thins particular SIXTH STEP, that although change may be uncomfortable, it is inevitable, and the POWER that fuels my recovery, will fix me as i allow It to do ITs work. the time to return to the FAITH that is the core of my program is upon me, and if i truly believe that GOD's will for me is to stay clean today, and i do, then i need to allow myself to be filled with the love i am being given and give it away, freely, without conditions, to whomever enters my life today. my cistern will always just be full, never dry and never over-flowing, if i follow that simple path.
so humbly, with buckets in hand, i think i will do the next right thing, which today is a trip out to the Northeast corner of the state for a visit with one of the men, who trust me enough to call me their sponsor. from there, i will see where my day goes.
∞ DT ∞