Blog entry for:

the substance love lends to my life. it was not all that long ago, when i believed i was too broken to be loved. the clues were all around me and the belief structure i had built based on a lie my very distant and dark past, kept m,me from truly loving anyone, especially myself. if you look at my past entries, it is evident that i could certainly look as if i understood what love was, how to receive love and how to give love with no expectation of return. be that as it may, all of that was smoke and mirrors, me simply parroting back what i heard from my peers and hiding the fact that what i felt and what i said were world's apart. all of that changed twenty months or so ago, when i finally owned up to the fact that i was my own worst enemy and that what happened to me was hardly enough to keep hating myself and hiding my true self from those who love me and purported to love me. since that fateful day, coming to terms with who i am and who i want to be, has been quite the adventure and i doubt it is over yet. i can embrace what comes and be okay that no matter what i uncover, i am worth being loved.
what popped off the stack for me this morning was the man i once sponsored and possibly still do sponsor and his reaction to the dire consequences of his misbehavior that he now faces. i do not know how willing i will be to follow him back into the Colorado Department of Corrections, if that is his fate. i do know that he was walking a very thin line when he was out and about and more than once, decided to take a risk, for which he is now paying the price. he chose to maintain “radio silence” with me after his first few months on the streets, not that i could have dissuaded him from behaving in a risky manner. in my experience, people will do what they will do, even if they abhor the possibility of their world crashing down around their shoulders. i do know that i may not change someone's mind, but once in a while, just talking about the choice, is enough to slow their roll and help the rational reasoning part of themselves, overrule the impulsive part. at least that is how it has worked fro me in the past. i do not know what his fate will be, and i hope it is not a return to prison, but that i way out of my hands today.
moving into my life and the here and now, i have decided that today, i will exercise on the inside, instead of dealing with slick spots, snow falling off the bushes and trees and the cold. i am certainly worth taking a break from the outside, even if i “need” to get some miles under my belt. it is a good day to be clean and yes a better one to allow myself the freedom to see the love in my life and return it unconditionally to the world around me.

∞ DT ∞